Libido after Rape?

It seems my sex drive is trashed. My therapist told me it is a common bodily response to trauma. I also became physically ill for 3 consecutive months after. It started at the ER. I took the recommended precautionary antibiotics for STI's, even though none were present. 13 days later I started showing signs of an STI, was tested and it was Bacteria Vaginosis and a intense yeast infection. (grateful it wasn't anything else) But both were from the rape/treatment of the rape. If you didn't know, most antibiotics give women yeast infections. Even after taking a diflucan. (Anti fungal)

The second round of antibiotics for the BV killed my immune system and I got a sinus infection. I didn't want anymore antibiotics and was hoping it would go away on its own, then it moved to a double ear infection. Then a stomach virus for 3 days. And after 3 rounds of 10 day antibiotics and one -4 day antibiotic, my system was totally trashed. LIBIDO depleted.

Frankly the second rape fucked me up more. I still blame myself for the first one. I wasn't educated, I was 19. I went looking for sex after all, who cared if I changed my mind? It was still rape and my heart aches for still blaming myself. Therapy is still in session.

So when the second rape, 6 years later happen in April 2019, I was in shock. I knew what I wanted, I was confident and I consented to protected sex. Only to have him intentionally break the condom and ejaculate inside me after I asked him to check if the condom was still on. He then laughed about it when I questioned him if he truly knew that the condom was broke and said "well yeah. I guess it felt warmer".... while rolling his eyes and looking away in a "matter of fact" way. I was irate. Accidents happen and condoms break, but that's the difference with rapists, they don't care. When a condom broke- which was rare but has happen- with any other consensual partner I've had sex with they knew instantly and told me. And we got another. This guy? Broke it on purpose lied, then laughed afterwards when I asked if he truly wasn't aware it was broke; only to admit that he knew the condom was compromised because it "felt warmer."

This is known as "Stealthing".

I don't want babies. I don't want STI's and I don't want to be on the end of someone else's selfish behavior for power and pleasure.

You can't out think rape. You can't always stop others from taking advantage of you. Even though I still try to do the first.

My new boyfriend has noticed my wavering libido, even though typically it is quite high. We discuss it, often. He understands consent, my body, and using words and communication to love me during our intimacy. He doesn't understand everything but he is an empath and often feels what I do just by being near. It's a doozy. He knows he's special to me and makes me very happy.

I have found an essential oil that has stimulated my woman hormones and supported my libido. Ylang Ylang! It's said to be good for men too, but I don't have any personal testimonies for that. Just my own. It's a Hawaiian flower. The scent is very floral, but I apply it topically to my lower stomach. It has helped with my depression and mood stabilization as well.

Self care is important and there are lots of different things that I have had to put effort into doing as a 26 year-old- women to help me feel sexy again. Things I feel like I shouldn't have to do so young just to maybe get me in the mood. New clothing, new panties, hot baths with sugar scrubs, better razors-I like certain parts of my body smooth! Of course shaving is totally optional. But even after I do all these things I'm sometimes still not "in the mood". My trust towards new partners has dropped significantly. And while I am in a relationship currently, I am polyamorous, which means I date more than one person at a time. In other words, my troubles with dating and new partners isn't over just because I have a current boyfriend. Rape is a dirty word, and no matter how much I say it out loud- people look at me in disbelief, I can't wash it off.

Good people, real love, respect and amazing sex exists. Relationships that won't wound you and the love that's meant to heal and bring happiness is real. This isn't my first time being loved deeply. It's just the first time after my rape.