Poly Dating- Time for a break

To recap it has now been 7 months of deeper connection, love and growth with my boyfriend and no one else. . . yet. But the dating world, specifically the online dating world, demands a break every once in a while. And while I haven't been seeing anyone, my attempts with having multiple conversations that go no where for months become exhausting. There is an influx of people who use online dating for wide variety of reasons. All sorts of people looking for different things. But mostly people are looking for sex. Yes, sex. And if you have read any of my previous blogs about my sex life, you'd know it's been in short supply lately.

Usually I focus on finding new people to talk to one week every month. I get to reading profiles swiping, chatting and see what happens. I can spend 1-3 hours a day swiping and chatting depending on the day. I prefer to get to a point where we have a phone call before

scheduling dates. And spend the rest of the month planning and going on dates with those I had matched with. But if you can't trust me with your phone number, have a decent voice and can hold a conversation- I don't want to meet you in person. And that is how I pace myself. Last week I told my boyfriend I thought I needed a break from dating, it had been weeks since I had had a phone call with anyone, despite trying a new dating app. Which followed with me giving it a few more days anyways and chatting with someone new! It looked promising for exactly a second. But after getting rid of that loser, this month's low mental health weeks lasting so long, shwoo, break time!

So what happend? Nothing out of the ordinary. Just the straw that broke the camel's back. I had a rough evening with a little girl I babysit. Sometimes I think she is taking things out on me personally. She's a little human with her own desires, needs and opinions, and while she was not on her best behavior, I felt like she was acting out on purpose. Like her tears will earn her the ice cream she was begging for; as if she could just cry and sass me enough that I would give in. At least that's what she told me "I wish daddy was here, he'd let me eat whatever I wanted," as she pushed her meal away in protest, after asking for it, but unhappy with the way it looked. But that was a lie, and that's not how I roll.

The only day together we have had with zero tears was our first day. After that..... She has cried everyday I have come over. I've spent most of my adult life as a nanny and while babies/infants/toddlers do a fair amount of crying as heir form of communication, she will be five in less than two weeks and I find this odd. One time she cried for an entire hour and wanted space alone in her room. She was upset I put her in time out for torturing the cats again by locking them in closets. And when she was done in time out she ran up stairs to cry in her bed. Her dad works nights and was sleeping in the next room and she was wailing, I honestly thought she was going to wake him up. I suspected she had been faking some, until it didn't stop. I grabbed some tissues and asked her if she wanted them. The pillows moved in an up and down motion and a small hand came out of the pillows waiting to receive the tissues. I then grabbed her small person chair that was pushed under her princes vanity and put my 200lb ass in it and asked her what was going on. There was nose blowing, sniffles and a pause before she told me there are a lot of family issues, and it is causing her a lot of distress. (I'm paraphrasing- it was more like "I miss daddy, he's always gone or sleeping, and mommy cries a lot.) I feel for her, I do. Broken families hurt children so much. That day we had a bonding moment when I told her my parents weren't together either and I had to pack my things up often and go back and forth between houses regularly.

I've never seen backwards side burns.

So what did that have to do with online dating? Nothing, but it was all in the back of mind building up to that nights' events until I got off work and went home. It felt good to leave those struggles at their door step and walk back into my life. If only that actually happend. . .

My confidence was boosted smelling the heavy rain fall on my drive home. I ditched my shoes and pants, washed my face, threw on Law and Order SVU and opened up my dating app. Thirteen new matches!? I had been ignoring it for a few days taking to the guy that progressed off the app. Complete strangers wanting to know me- most of them just wanted to fuck me. A normal conversation would be nice. And one replied quickly intrigued about me being poly. I told him to fire away with any questions he had.

"So do you and your boyfriend just bring people home?"

*sighs* Another one bites the dust. I replied with my usual "Polyamory is the ability and desire to love and be with more than one person at a time." And that bringing people home for sex is not what I or my boyfriend wants. Besides, he is currently monogamous.

"Interesting..." was his reply. Of course that is where the conversation should have ended. Looking back, of course he was only looking for sex and didn't find anything I said interesting. I asked him if he had any other questions. His reply "Nothing appropriate."

And to save you a play by play, I told him my concerns about discussing sex with immature losers online and that while I had no issues with it, respect and maturity need to be present. He seemed to agree, so I proceeded to share some intimate details of my personal life to a stranger on the internet, nothing too terribly unusual, but that back fired. Thinking to myself "Well duh Kirsten of course talking about sex first on the internet with someone from an online dating app is risque behavior. He was just using the conversation for his late night jack off." Idiots everywhere I tell you. And last night I was the idiot...

But there ARE people you can talk platonically about sex to. I realize that it's a low number. I can discuss sex with very little emotion these days. Honestly sex comes up frequently because people idolize it. It is an important part of a relationship for me. For example, I have a rule of thumb that I am not interested in people who haven't had sex before. Any partner of mine has to have prior experience, and I don't volunteer for that. I can discuss sex as if you were taking a casual stroll down the street in public. Sometimes it's boring, and sometimes you witness someone rob the bank across the street. And even though I told him my struggles with my sex drive, he just wanted a detailed play by play for his evening masturbation. Of course.

My walls came up, he admitted to being from "out of town" (or anywhere near me) and was simply traveling through. He completely ignored my open response to being poly looking for long term relationships. His profile said "conservative Christian", which also wasn't true. Go figure right? I'm sure he believes he is a conservative Christian, but he quickly sounded like someone who should be on a sex offender list.

I find myself wondering why is online dating like this? If you want sex, put it in your profile. Get the sex you deserve, consentually. You deserve it. Stop fetishisizing me as a poly woman open to multiple partners and trying to manipulate your way into someones bed. It's fucking gross.

This person wasn't the first and he won't be the last. Over 60% of the messages in my inbox are about sex. I feel like I could literally make a business with online dating sites teaching people, mainly men, but I have met a few women, about sex and how to communicate your interests. People have no idea how to not be creepy.

I checked my "other" spam box on Facebook messenger and found this beauty. What. Even. lol Cute couple. huh?

Wait... so what about the guy I had that phone call with you ask? He seemed interesting, and attentive if we were discussing anything sexual, per usual. Of course he got the same speech about me being in therapy, healing from trauma and needing to take things slow. I asked him about his schedule to see when we might meet up, it appeared he worked a lot. We then switched to snap chat for more conversation per his request. (I've realized people who want to use snap chat tend to not want proof of their conversations/hiding something...But some men like to know they aren't being catfished. Eh.... ) Over the next 4 days we chatted here and there and I finally asked him if he had intentions of meeting me, that he seemed busy with his 12 hr swing shifts schedule. He assured me we would, but didn't supply a day/time again. I requested a phone call and he was once again flippant, saying, "anytime after 5pm this week". But when I requested that evening, which only a few hours away, he replied, "he wasn't sure how much of a talking mood he'd be in."

I immediately told him I wasn't going to tolerate him wasting my time, if he wasn't interested to get lost. He apologized realizing I was pretty much done with him if he couldn't set up a time, so he asked for my number and called me on his way home that day. I thought he held the conversation very well and seemed like a fun person to be around. Though he didn't ask me any questions about myself, and cut me off before he even got home and out of the car, we still hadn't picked a day to meet. He messaged me a few times throughout the night until 1:30am when he got home from playing pool. That isn't late considering bar hours until you realize he was working 5am-5pm work shifts and had a commute. Nonetheless, this was his daily routine. No sleep from late nights bar hopping, work crazy hours, non committal, etc. RED FLAG. Pass. I'm not into people stuck in the immature party phase. I skipped that phase all together. I respect people's hobbies, but if you can't think about your week or immediate future and plan a day you want to go on a date, while you party, bar hop and socialize every evening, you're full of shit.

Yes, I know I am creepy for taking photos of my boyfriend sleeping. But I can't help it. 1) He's cute 2) Its when he is most photogenic because I don't have to fight him for a smile or to be serious.

So here I am. Taking a break again. I do that when it becomes overwhelming. I'm still poly, that hasn't changed and I will be back. I usually give myself between 1-4 months break refresher. I'd l like to focus on meeting new people and making new friends in person from crowds and going out. Winter depression has me stuck in the house, outgrowing my pants I absolutely hate, waiting to wear dresses again. I've grown accustom to depending on using dating apps for dating, but I'm not shy to flirt, hand out my number, or asking someone out in person. Until next time!