Prayer vs. Me (This Atheists)

I started binging a new series called "Never Have I Ever" about a teenage Indian-Americans girl's life. I like shows that have wholesome, relatable content. My previous life as a Mormon would hardly call this content wholesome with all the language and sex talk. But that is apart of a teenage life I never knew anything about, that literally everyone else I was raised around was experiencing growing up.

I miss the "young love" feeling that is portrayed in that show. Those new feelings of exploring ones self with people who you are attracted to, brings me back to my high school. Giddiness, day dreaming, butterflies. I love Devi's outgoing nature and bright, driven mind. She is a stereotypical intellectual Indian girl, just trying to get into an ivy league college. And even though both her and I are not fond of her Indian culture, an episode got me thinking about my past belief systems.

Leaving the Mormon cult has left deep wounds that have hardly healed. I still have much therapy to continue to see the full peace I desire from walking away from that lifestyle. Devi's father died during her freshman year of high school. She is in weekly therapy and the relationship between her and her therapist is hardly anything that I have ever experienced. It's fairly unrealistic, but entertaining as expected for a Netflix series. I do like the subtle thoughtfulness and safe place the therapy environment shows, though. Each character brings something new and fun to the show. I like her spunky therapist.

In the fourth episode when Devi and her family are celebrating Govardhan Puja (Hindu elephant god celebration) with food, prayer, dancing, and partying, the narrator of the series mentioned that Devi never had a strong relationship to prayer. That is one thing that her and I do not have in common. As a teen I loved prayer. I loved being able to talk to someone who loved me, anytime, anywhere. Prayer was an important part of my daily life growing up and it still hurts admitting that, 18 months later, proudly atheist. I have yet to find something that can replace the euphoric delusions it gave me. They were sincerely comforting. And I find myself looking for ways to bring IT back. It being: peace, trust, faith, hope, stillness. Desiring to feel what prayer use to do for me is nothing but Stockholm Syndrome. Serious, but unhealthy.

So why not go back to prayer? Or pray to a different god? Or meditate, that's a form of prayer, right? *sighs* Prayer is a form of meditation, but I don't think I'd always agree that meditation is a form of prayer. My form of prayer I used in the Mormon faith was one of two way conversation. When I turned 25 and said goodbye to my imaginary friend, heavenly father, that break up was hardcore. The figments of my imagination that he stood for during all those years? Shattered. I won't easily find something similar to bring me that same comfort or feel spiritually connected to. Because you know, atheists are heartless, emotionless- apostates. I'm not sure I want to feel that again. It's a bit triggering putting all your trust and love into something that isn't real, and then crashing when you realize what you have done.

I do, however, think it is eventually necessary to replace/ find new things that bring me peace. Because at this moment there isn't much. I devoted so much time to my faith on a daily and weekly basis. I kept the grand illusions going by being around those who said they experienced similar things. But no one else was really getting answers to every single prayer they ever said, like I did. Not everyone else was being touched on their shoulder and whispered "thank you" in my ear by a spirit during culty temple ceremonies. (when I 14 years old) And certainly people didn't have "young spirits" come to you during their suicide attempt that said "mommy please don't go." (at 20 years old) That was indeed my mental illness symptoms being glorified in confrontational bias.

I live an intense, emotional life. My body experiences life at high frequencies. My life is often seen through a filter of black or white, good or bad, high or low. The middle ground is not something I have much experience or interest in. I often am bored and uncomfortable. Such is the life of those who live with mood disorders, though.

Prayer wasn't the only thing I lost or miss. I lost close to 75% of the people who I was close to. That "deeper connection" I thought we had? It ended many of my close friendships and almost all of my acquaintances when I left the "religion". I lost my social life, friends, support network, safety net, my imaginary- but best- friend, I lost my lifestyle and way Identity. I lost myself...

Which is precisely what any current Mormon readers will lament for me, say and teach at church. For now I am an apostate, the ultimate enemy. I am the epitomey of all that went wrong, and all that can go wrong for "losing your testimony". I once knew the sweet, irresistible truth and gave up that life to live proudly in sin!!!!! Of course I am going to miss prayer, and good people. My lifestyle repels "all which is praiseworthy and good report." *vomits in mouth* Which is an exhausting rhetoric to really discuss at this time, so I'll save that for another day my "spirit" is feeling a bit more bright and cheery to flip all of you who think and teach that, the bird. Enjoy the screen shots instead.

I never thought I'd leave my faith. My culture. The thing that "brought me peace". AAAAAAND here I am. Reminiscing prayer. Remembering conversations that I now recognize was me talking and pleading with myself. I was taught that "what you think about you bring about." And that is still mostly true. The brain is a powerful thing and can often make real what you want it to. My thoughts since teenage life has been plagued with depression and suicidality. I now have several suicide attempts under my belt. Science says it has more to do with mental illness and chemical imbalance though. But it isn't the only thing my brain has done for me. It made up god, when I had no one in my life to love me because my family was vile and broken. It's brought me friends, it's brought me real and loving people into my life after saying goodbye to toxic people. My brain expanded and understood that god didn't serve a purpose for me anymore and it was only harming and hindering me. I don't think "god" was the thing that hurt me the most. It was dogma via that Mormon cult. But as the human body was now lacking its needed schedule and routine, deep depression set in from saying goodbye to everything I ever knew and built for myself. Several more traumatic experiences followed after removing my membership in December 2018, and I haven't found my groove yet. It may be several more years until that time comes. It seems, I am a slow healer.

So as good ole' Linda with a Karen hair cut said, "Where does you heart lie at this time, Kirsten?" She was attempting to chastise me for missing a yearly Mormon regional conference for wanting to go to an Inter Faith event that had a focus on the Muslim community. I believe I was in the hospital and struggling with mental health symptoms, but missed them both. They were scheduled at the same time!

Today's blog is just a bittersweet moment, missing the times that the cult brought me what I use to believe was happiness. The things I use to cherish and journal about. Pretty much everything in my life has changed now. And I haven't fully found another bubble like that again. (Admittedly, that's probably the point. Not to join another cult, ya know?) I feel like I'm living life for the first time ever. That I've been sheltered from so many things that I should know, should have experienced or had opportunity to learn about, but was hidden from it... because of FEAR. I no longer fear that which is different. I embrace diversity, education and find comfort in those with unique stories. Shedding hatred and growing new. Read my blog "N Words And F Words".

And with that, this agnostic atheist- secular humanist concludes this small blog post. Do any of my readers experience this or something similar? Do you want to share your experiences? Let me know what you have done to replace old lifestyles with new! Thanks for listening to me ramble for a few minutes.

Much love,

Me

Special thanks to my editor: MC_hammer