Thanks For Feeding The Cats

There is something to be said about living in the moment. Giving your time and energy into the now. Feeding all your desires and what they want, right in this very moment.

"You're only young once" they say, yeah?

But what about security? Consistency? Goals? Especially when it comes to budgeting and livelihood. But why am *I* making financial plans for a future when I could take my life on any day? I know my suicidality has ruled much of my life and that it sounds hypocritical to demand a savings to just, what? ... go to waste? But if I'm going to be alive I'm going to try my hardest at survival. And that includes planning for a future. That's the only hope I have, even if it is little.

Before we get to far, most of this blog was pre written already, sitting in drafts, waiting to be edited and published. But that was before the big fight, so today there is more to Sean and I's story to be told, I'll continue where we left off and move forward.

It's not in my nature to be lavish, flippant or facetious. I'm frugal, I'm a saver, striving minimalist and over planner! And thus began an almost two-year long battle between Sean and I. In the past two years I have spent an honest amount of time with Sean, writing out his and our finances, making goals, and trying to be realistic with each new, exciting, expensive idea he has had, and helping him make him more mindful decisions. I asked him his monthly base income, the lowest he would bring in, and we jot down all bills coming out and devised a plan. Not one he ever stuck to though, no matter how many times we did it.

I do not regret doing this because I wanted a partner to grow with. He met me when I hadn't been approved for disability and had less than $250 to my name, every month. My income now? Just barely at the "livable" bar. I wanted to chase his goals with him, his excitement was sincere every time he changed his focus to something new. Like a child on Christmas day. But I was frustrated when I learned that he was willingly living pay check to pay check. He didn't have to, he choose to. He had zero savings! Nothing for a rainy day. Or flat tire, or emergency or anything!

I noticed the poor money habits started with paying all his monthly bills from one of the two paychecks he gets each month, instead of splitting it up. The other check he used entirely for "fun money". This left him eating sushi at the beginning of the month and ramen at the end; metaphorically speaking anyways. When he could have a less stressful, budgeted-month and eat well the entire time. It only takes skipping one "fun money" pay check to start splitting them both in half and being on the right track. He fought this logic for months, not wanting to give up any of his poor decisions. To this day since the break up, he has reverted back to this... Undoing bad habits are so much more difficult than teaching goods ones from the beginning. He had been living this way for years before meeting me. Why would he change now?

I got to know his other poor spending habits, like every day after work he would end it with a trip to Starbucks. Venti caramel cappuccino and a lemon bread $8ish/day 4-5x's/week $160ish/month. This is a small place he could improve on and he did improve on this over all. I started making him his french pressed coffee! But sadly he still ended up spending his saved money somewhere else.

He used his tax returns (roughly $1k) in May of 2020, on the beginning of his sleeve tattoo. Days later while standing in his mothers kitchen showing it off, she reminded him that he still owed his grandmother from helping prevent his car from getting repossessed before he met me. I told him "you could have paid her off with the price of that tattoo." And since the tattoo I have watched him spend money on...

$300-$500 calligraphy pens

$2,000++ warhammer plastic figurines

$180 bottle of whisky

Than it's sister bottle at a whopping $250

$350- divers watch

Hundreds on new clothing from Stick fix monthly subscription

The list goes on.

And as of April 2021 he hadn't paid her back full. I'm unsure of now. This selfishness rubbed me wrong. It's different when you do not have the means to pay someone back for their extreme generosity, that's what family is for. But Sean does have the ability to do. He choose not to. Or as he said "keeps forgetting"

Sometimes I feel he was on board with my helpful suggestions, and other times I was just keeping hold of his debit cards to prevent his impulsive spending. This wasn't what I wanted. And it was difficult on me trying to build a life with a person with such pitiful budgeting skills. I didn't want to micro manage him.

On April 21st 2021, I ended my relationship with Sean. Some of you may roll your eyes and say "again?" Because something similar happen last year around this time. That's okay if you don't believe me. The part that is ready to move on is finally bigger than the scared of being alone-me, settling-and-wanting-to-stay me. And since the break up there was a huge scary fight that landed me back in the hospital because I didn't feel safe in my own home anymore. More on that soon.

I've talked about some of the more indepth struggles with my relationship with Sean but only recently, in my last blog. I mentioned we started couples therapy! And we only had one session before the breakup, that filled me with embarrassment for his behavior. The second therapy session, since we had broken up, I wanted to keep for mediation to help us make new boundaries as we remained roommates. I asked him to come prepared and ask questions. I had several lined up:

• Can we still walk around the house naked? (I've always been comfortable with this, alone or with a partner)

• How many times do you agree to vacuum a week to help my allergies? (we usually do it 2-3x a week, we have 3 cats)

• Are you still paying $20 a month towards the purchase of my phone?

• If one of us wants to move out, how many months notice do you want?

• Bills password exchange.

I had several more questions I feel were important to talk about with a mediator pressent.

I realized in this relationship more than any other that I can't be with someone with poor money management skills nor someone physically aggressive. I can't wait for him to be better at things that I honestly deserve in a partner now. I also understand that much of our debates were on his use of his money though, which is precisely why the day after I broke up with him, he left the house in a short temper. When I asked him where he was going he shortly replied "verizon", only a second before the door slammed closed.

When he returned a few hours later, he came in to the living room where I was watching a movie with a happy smile and handed me the new, almost $2k phone to me saying, "isn't is really cool?!" as he started feeding the cats their dinner. I pursed my lips and squinted my eyes, opened and closed it's ridiculousness.... I ignored his question, handed it back and said, "thanks for feeding the cats."

He knew I would disprove. He absolutely did this to mock me. I care not for fancy devices that he doesn't need.

The next day we had an obligation to babysit his siblings as a Christmas gift being cashed-in for Sean's mom for a "Mom Days Off". During this time he spent almost 3 hours outside removing the back seats to his vehicle, not helping with the kids, to start a process that we made plans for while we were dating; to have a moving home. We had planned an RV or another vehicle, but had talked many times about small trips to the beach or other places using his car just to test.

Kiera relating a message that Sean isn't a good fit for babysitting.

The seemingly harmless act of asking his mother "where are the tools to remove my seats" made me feel small, my heart sinking to my stomach. Not because he was moving on too quickly, but because it was infront of his mother, grandmother and siblings all standing around the kitchen island getting ready to go to a wine drinking/tasting event for Keira's birthday. (Kiera is Sean's adult sister) They didn't know we had broken up yet, and he didn't tell me he had plans or would be doing that. We were broken up, so why would he tell me what he does with his car? I'll tell you why, because the last time we had talk about having a RV/ bus/ another vehicle, he mentioned that if we ever broke up, he would be doing exactly this, renovating his car to move out ASAP and get away from me. At the time, not seeing our relationship ending any time soon, I thought it was a great idea. But I thought he would at least tell me he had plans on leaving and not leave me stranded with 3 months left of our lease.

I sat with racing thoughts all day that I couldn't ask him about. So what made him do this right now? The break-up obviously, but why couldn't he do this before? Why was dating me stopping him from reaching his personal goals? I left babysitting 20 or so minutes early feeling utterly defeated with my day, leaving Sean with the kids. Unknown to me that his family didn't want Sean left alone with the children for long periods of time. (I wouldn't have gifted duo babysitting otherwise, I would have left Sean out of it) His words with an eye roll were exactly "I was planning on doing it regardless of the break up the next time I went to mom's because she had the tools." Another lie.

I took a photo of the seats as a "proof" of my sadness.

That evening Sean came into my room and asked if he could give me a hug. We hadn't spoken in days, let alone touched and I had to pretend all was well at his families home. Unprompted he felt the need to tell me "I didn't remove the seats from my car to move away from you." Huh, wonder why he thought I would think that? Probably because he wanted me to stew in those thoughts by myself all day. But today wasn't the day to tell him how much it hurt me and how I felt he did it on purpose.

Moving forward, only two days before our next session when I finally came to him hurt about many things, I told him how I was feeling about some of the above behaviors since the break up. I told him how I worried loosing his family, who was now mine, because I didn't have a family to go to for support after the break up. Which is when he was sarcastic, rolling his eyes, arms across his chest, upset that I'd even ask such a thing. He said "I even came to you and told you it wasn't." Not understanding I now knew exactly what he was doing now while being defensive while I was vulnerable.

I wanted validation that he wasn't being as spiteful as it seemed to me, perhaps an apology if he did admit to doing it on purpose. Instead I was met with his short attitude. It escalated quickly and he yelled "Get the fuck out of my room" And I turned around and pointed "this is why you need therapy" and he tore his glasses off his face, broke them in half and threw them at me, while I was in his door way. One of the bits hit me, he said later it ended up in my room around the corner. He then proceeded to get up off his bed towards me. Which is when I said "maybe I should call the police..." because why was a grown man who is throwing things at me coming towards me as I was leaving his room away from him? He yelled back to my suggestion, now only inches from me, "Go ahead, call the police, get me fucking arrested" as I had tears in my eyes, standing in the hallway, shaking. He slammed the door as I felt the air from the swift slam and the door against my fore arm, I had only just crossed the threshold before he began punching the door and walls, grunting telling me "I. *punch* never *punch* want *punch* to see you *punch* again." *Punch punch punch* My heart racing, in my throat thinking that could have been me. I'm literally standing on the opposite side of this door. How dare he threaten me in my own home.

I instantly reached out to his mother and sister. They were my safe place and my new family since I left mine behind. His mother didn't reply to me, but Kiera eventually called back a few minutes later as I composed a Facebook post. Long story short she thinks I made a mountain out of a mole hill and is still upset that I tagged her mother, in crisis, in a Facebook post. A post, that if Dawn had issues with she could have messaged me personally, removed tagged or done any number of things but be mad at me.

I can't make posts asking for help when I perceive I am in danger. Cool.

In hind sight I should have absolutely waited to have that conversation with Sean during couple therapy. (if he showed up.) But that's probably just making excuses or his behavior because he had said earlier in the conversation, "Oh we are still having that?"forgetting I wanted meditation for roomate-ship. But he was still sore from the break up, me suggesting he had done anything to intentionally prove why he was a poor man to be in love with, with was just more pain than he could handle. And he lashed out at me.

I don't think he is evil. I think he is mentally and could accidentally physically hurt me one day with his anger

"It's a terrifying situation, but keep that between you and your therapist." Crystal Clear.

And Sean may tell a different story. But I doubt it, because according to his good friend Brendon, who came to check in on Sean that night during the start of his 5-days-of-getting-shit-faced- drunk vomiting in the shower binge... "both stories match up."

He however may tell you he was trying in our relationship, and how it "wasn't good enough for me". But indeed not! Forgetting to brush your teeth daily at age 26, is absolutely not enough for me. I absolutely deserve better than that. And I deserve to feel safe inside my home!

But I'm not forgetting all my flaws as a human and girlfriend in this relationship. I know I have so many and he can freely speak about them here in my blog! From my inability to hold down a job, to my mental health depression and self harm. How easily I get hurt and take offense. Living with someone with chronically suicidal isn't easy. But I am honestly trying my hardest. (but was he?) Sharing the woes of a relationship feels... like I'm inviting others to validate or invalidate my experiences. Sean and I both need support leaving this relationship, I know my decision was absolutely the correct one for me. If I could get out of the house right now, I would. But I need a roommate to split expenses.

I am currently disabled and have a small, fixed income from that, but I still pay half the bills fairly with my money and work part time. However there is much less free money for me. In addition I previously was doing 100% of the meal prepping, 85% grocery shopping, 95% of the cooking and over 80% of the cleaning. When we moved into this apartment, I taught Sean how to scrub a toilet, because he confided to me he never had done it before and wanted me to show him how. Up until recently I have done Sean and I's laundry since the 3rd week of knowing him. This has involved packing up our clothing and taking it to my dads/his mothers/ laundry mat to wash, dry, bring home and hang, fold and put away. I also packed his lunch each day for work. This is not me listing off accolades though, because Sean knows that if the roles were reversed during out relationship, and I was the one capable of working 40-50hrs a week 14-hour swing shifts, I would not be coming home to a clean home and a warm meal. I came home from 5 days in the hospital with chewed toilet paper and empty glass whisky bottles all over the house from his drunken mess. And he had the nerve to say "I did the dishes though."

This is not how I live. Nor do I find it acceptable.

In his small defense, he thought that I was missing and dead somewhere because I refused talking to anyone once I went to the hospital.

I guess Sean does not have the desire to do for me what I would do for him. For the record, my clean home is not perfect, but certainly an whole different level had I'd left all the chores for Sean to do. I have never seen him sweep or mop a floor, wash counter tops, or microwaves in our two years of dating.

Different love languages.

This also isn't me bitching about these duties, it's about me being under appreciated for the things that I can and do bring to my relationships. Being under appreciated is something in therapy we both confessed to feeling towards each other. These tasks need done for a healthy and functioning home regardless if Sean is in my home! And I have time to do it! I started washing Sean's laundry when I realized that if I left it for him to do, it likely wouldn't get done and we wouldn't have as much time together with the the little he had off. But this grew into him telling me "you don't need to do this/that for me" and "I never asked you to" when I told him things felt unfair and when I asked him to at least shower before he put on the clean clothing. He wasn't fooling me that he wasn't bathing regularly. Also note that if I didn't do his laundry he would wear dirty clothing sometimes 3-7days in a row until his socks were stick straight and crunchy from sweat.

A similar scenario happen when I professed I was tired of saving our family money packing his lunches if he is going to be reckless with the left over money anyways. I'm doing my best to help us, and he wasn't. There is only so much I can offer in the situation I am in, and I felt I did my best. We were living on two wave lengths. His was one of carelessness.

Officially the second worst moments of our relationship, the worst was just mentioned, had nothing to do with money or cleaning, but was during grocery shopping last October. I don't recall well what we were fighting about, something about me picking on him and me being annoying, but he blew up in anger pushing our cart into a display case knocking much of it over. He than threw his wallet at me, it hit my arm and fell to the floor, apparently for me to take care of the rest of the grocery shopping as he walked home. I left the wallet, the cart, and the mess there for someone else to take care of, and I too went home. But I drove. I looked for Sean to pick him up, but didn't see him. The only thing I regret is leaving the mess and cart for someone else. People question why I could let his wallet be stolen. At least his sister and mother did. Because I don't let men assault me and embarrass me. And he sure as hell wasn't going to do it in public. His black out anger has consequences. When he got home his first text asked me where his wallet was. Through anger and bitterness of not receiving an apology first, I told him "Martins. Bitch. Where you left it on the floor."

He was confused because he forgot in anger what he did. He didn't even know where we were standing in the store when he went back to look for it, but to this day I can tell you exactly where I was standing and where that wallet fell. I can still see it in my minds-eye.

This fight was what brought him to me in tears saying he didn't want to end up like his dad. That he was going to go therapy... but never did. Empty promises so that we could pretend it never happen and we could go "back to normal". You are what you do, not what you say you'll do.

I know I wasn't kind in return, I called him a bitch and laughed at his forgetful entitled self. We apologized to each other with the hope of future growth but this was the first step, even if it was through anger, of me letting go of mothering him.

None of these things single handily ended our relationship. It was me who grew tired of the trajectory, or rather the lack there of. The bickering, the push back of his needing therapy. But everything piling up has made me finally be able to be at peace with this decision. Peace meaning:

I don't regret breaking up.

I know it's right.

I don't feel like I need to go back.

I don't have racing thoughts anymore what to do, or if I will regret it the next day. (I don't)

And it's not a temptation that we live together, which I hope ends in 3 months.

His blow up anger is not okay. I will not stay with a man who I think could cause me harm, even accidentally. I know he didn't touch me, its why I didn't report it to the police. But I'm not going to be another statistic that didn't get out when I knew I should. No matter what his family says, he's not safe. It's why his mother doesn't want him alone with the kids for long periods of time. I wish I knew that before I started dating him.....

I love Sean, even though he scares me. I think to myself perhaps after him getting years of counseling I could reconsider starting anew... but at this rate we are growing faster and faster apart, and that is unlikely.

That's where I am leaving todays blog for now. It's a sparknotes version of all the things I could say, but not right now. . . Soon though. I'm headed to the beach to clear my head!