The UnBreakup

My mood swings shake him to the core.

I push him away.

I tell him I don't want to hurt him with my suicidal tendencies.

Maybe we are best apart. (statement, not question!)

He reaches in to hug me.

I push him away and scream don't touch me.

I don't want him to melt my anger with his love and change my mind.

He sits there, close, knees touching mine and just stares, wishing he could do something.

Fifteen minutes has gone by with no sound but tears, tissues and staring at some place on the carpet.

I ask what he has been thinking.

He replies, "You don't want to hear it."

I think he means he has something bad to say. So I ask "What do you mean?"

"It's just that every time I want to say or do something I'm afraid you will be more angry. at me or lash out."

He's not wrong.

I cry and tell him it's exactly the reason I feel the need to break up with him. My mental illness strains our relationship.

Without a moments hesitation he says with tears in his eyes "I know one day you will kill yourself, but until then can I spend as much time with you as I can?"

He put his head on mine, noses touching both our tears drop on my legs below.

We cry together, and I eventually tell him:

"That is without a doubt the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me ever."

And it was.

His eyes were red from crying.

We chuckled at the dark irony, but I meant it. And so did he.

He accepts me for me. Which is fucking hard as hell.

It's hard to hear.

I'm sure it was even harder to say.

He said that unprompted, but yet thought out.

We sat together for another 10 minutes with no talking.

I had plenty of thoughts though.

I started again, with resolution,

"This is one of the reasons I've been single the past couple years. My mental health has been too poor to maintain a healthy proper relationship. You have had some shitty ex's who used, manipulated and were pretty terrible people. I'm aware how hurtful I am, and you won't break up with me. I don't want to be the shitty one for keeping you around because you won't leave."

He listened. He agreed his ex's were unkind. I mean holy hell the one before me drew a knife on him. I'm not the worst, but I feel sad that I may be the best he's had so far- and I'm still a wreck. He deserves better.

These mood swings have happen a few times, which lead to yesterdays conversation. We're working on us. I didn't break up with him. My panic attack with anger took hours to go away. It took food, brownies, hugs and cuddles, and about 4 hours of time but it got better,

Better for me to wake up today, reflect on it, and share a beautiful moment.