Borderline and Me
- ForgetMeNaught
- Aug 11, 2020
- 11 min read
Today I'm going to do a full run-down about one of my mental health diagnosis that I've had the longest and resonates with me the most!
Also known as: Borderline, BPD and Emotional Unstable Personality Disorder. (EUPD)
And not to be confused with Dissociative Identity Disorder; formerly known as Multiple Personality Disorder.
It's the feeling of deep loneliness while surrounded by people you love, or when you just ended a really amazing day/week vacation of immense joy. It's loving and hating deeply and occasionally aimed at the same person/thing at the same time. This one is important to me personally. Each emotion has depths most people don't experience. I'm not sure how to put it into perspective other than, I cry daily. Yes, DAILY. Happy, sad, fun, lonely, excited, loved. CRY! CRY! CRY!
It's mood swings that typically are provoked by ones environment and or traumatic experiences.
It's cutting off a best friend because of a misunderstanding that hurt you so badly, and you literally never see them again for it. All or nothing.
But it's not just being emotional and having unstable relationships that will get you this diagnosis. This diagnosis is accompanied by trauma, especially in early childhoods. It is a learned behavior response to stressful triggering events. Most people diagnosed with BPD were raised by a family member who also has the disorder. That news came as a delightful surprise, especially since my mother told me no one else in the family was mentally ill like me. And having now learned just how many other blood family members do struggle with mental illness, including a cousin who hung himself two years ago, a great uncle who shot himself to death roughly 6 or so years ago, in addition to several cousins/aunts/uncles and both my parents... knowing it wasn't all my fault, or even my fault at all, was a slight relief. Genetics play a roll in your susceptibility of illnesses.
But I defended my abusers, many victims do. When people would ask "why I struggled so much" and "if I had a traumatic childhood", I denied these important factors that fueled my illness and was stunting my growth. I thought my childhood was normal, average, and that "so many others had it worse". My parents constantly said "We did the best we could, we gave you the world."
Acknowledging the toxic people who abused me, mindfully and accidentally- as some claim, is a critical part of growth! Probably the first part to getting better honestly. . .
But you can't use one symptom of a possible diagnosis for a full label, especially if the people who I was having "unstable relationships with" were the people who abused me in the first place! YIKES.
Side note: This awareness is a noticeably new skill I have acquired through therapy. I didn't put two and two together until my therapist did the family analysis and asked questions like "if my family members have good long stand relationships with each other and the community." This questions and others have all been asked before, but yet this time a light went on and I viewed things through a different lens. People grow..... evolve!
1) I first thought of my dad, who fooled everyone that he "never hit or abused his wife and kids".... *rolls eyes* but yet had strong ties to communities and several organizations.... sometimes. He has been taken to court for instigating trouble with the neighbor and her fense he took down by moon light in the middle of the night. He lost. He's also been to jail a few times. Petty things like, forgetting paying court fee's to the previously mention neighbor thing... He also has a huge anger problem. Harder to spot on paper, but definitely makes the cut here.
2) I then thought of my mother, who has job hopped her entire life. Computer programming, Stay-at-home-mom, house cleaning, hair dresser, school bus driver, special-needs aid, teaching drivers-ed, Scentsy consultant (MLM), etc... I thought about how she is on her third domestically violent marriage, and has few close friends. And DING DING DING, the lights came one, we have a red hot winner-winner- chicken dinner!
3) I thought about my brother who left for the army, changed his name, got married for money to a mentally ill woman with two children, also estranged from her family. I saw how he treated his wife and her kids, and I'm displeased to inform that I saw a damn near identical repeat of my mother and her latest husband. It made me sick. He races street bikes and cars, been in several accidents and has always been reckless, spontaneous and onery. Not that my brother had a good father figure/role models growing up, I guess I'm not surprised how he ended up.
4) I thought of my sister, who has been trying recently to improve herself, who edited my blogs for a short time and expressed condolences of our traumatic upbringing. Who is working to have her records removed from the Mormon cult too, who wants to change and grow mentally and physically, but also stuck in trauma reactionary way-of-life that involves using her lack of anger control to abuse her husband and children. This is similar to the way we were treated as kids. I know she has always been physically aggressive; we all have our vices. She, like myself, have struggled with connecting to our family members over the years. (I know you still read my blog Meghan, and I know you are mad at me, but I really think you could make it out on the other end if you can get over the grudges you're holding just because the truth hurts... just keep going: to therapy, through the hard emotions! I believe you can grow- no matter how much you hate me.)
5) I thought about the rest of my family members: grandparents, aunts/uncles cousins.... many of them being raised in a cult, (not all of them) and them not knowing any better. And how they have treated their own spouses, children people of the community, etc...
And I learned that it is okay to let these people go. Fully. I learned how I was raised, is not the majority. I realized there were actually stable family dynamics many of my peers, who I thought I was similar to, experienced. So now there is no more sticking up for them! No more defending. No more excuses. But I digress, this one symptom alone isn't why I have borderline personality disorder.
Fear of abandonment is another symptom that keep these toxic relationships around. Borderline people rather not be alone, so you settle for what you know, which is often toxic family members. We are energetic, dramatic, eccentric and never boring. Luckily I found ways to cope, process, grow and not have my "family" in my life anymore.
I found a new family and support system of people who love and support me. And it is up to me now that I know what is wrong to get help and get better....
The next symptoms I resonate with is unclear or shifting self image/self esteem. Many people struggle this, no? Not seeing the person you really are when you look in the mirror, or seeing it accurately and hating yourself anyways. Body dysphoria is a real thing! I went through phases since childhood where my mother would intentionally buy me "small" or "tight" clothing with the intention of me loosing weight to fit into them.
That habit followed me into my adult years, until I started wearing clothing that fit, felt comfortable and complimented me most! Thank you Stacy and Clinton from "What Not To Wear", that pointed out, wearing clothing that doesn't fit your body properly can make you "appear bigger" and be "unflattering". Pant size is just a number. It's also just not comfortable. Combine what typical struggles young adults already experience in life with the purity/modesty culture being raised in a cult... and bam, you might need help. You can read one of my favorite blogs thus far about my growing self love: Bootylicous
Next up! Engaging in self-harm behaviors such as: cutting, or threatening suicide/suicide attempt. I scratch/stab/cut myself with blunt objects: keys, plastic things, forks, my nails. This was more an issues in my mid-to-late teens, but I have done it as recently as last year. Honestly, when I do it, it feels so good to release so much energy at once. While its not a healthy coping skill... it is a coping skill!
Another symptom I've experienced before, but not always as frequently as others with BPD is Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors. My most recent suicide attempt was by vehicle "fleeing and evading the police". I got a felony traffic charge for it. It was definitely impulsive and self destructive. Too bad it didn't work.... But this symptom also includes drinking, drug use, gambling, risky sex and binge eating. This was a symptom that was hard to check off with me when I first got the BPD diagnosis at 19. I didn't drink, use drugs, gamble or have any criminal charges/ traffic tickets. But I was sexually active. And for being a True Believing Mormon (TBM), most mental health professionals didn't think anything of a 19 year old having random sex occasionally, even if it was out of character for my belief system and felt reckless.
However this symptom is important. Where one sees being impulsive, I saw it as being spontaneous and going with the flow. Turning a negative into a positive, yes? When I was having "risky sex", I educated myself, grew in confidence, and accepted that if I was going to continue "sinning" I should be safe and clean about it. I made sure I got to know the person a little, met them in public first, texted my location to trusted friends, always wore/used condoms, and stay tested and keep my results in my glove box of my car! It took the one thing in that category that really had me checking the box, and made it safer. Coping with my symptoms, instead of shaming myself for having an increased sex drive and looking for ways to fulfill my needs.
People with BPD often feel suspicious or out of touch with reality and have paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, I have "lost touch with reality"—an experience known as dissociation. I feel foggy, spaced out, and viewing the things happening around me "outside your own body", as if my consciousness is floating above me. The paranoia has totally happen when police has been involved, and when scary people of authority or "power" has been pushed into my life. My paranoia spiked a bit when living with my dad. I felt like nothing I did was good enough for him and he was always and angry and disappointed with me. (turns out this wasn't paranoia, he does believe that and treated me that way!) And also living with Sean and his room mates. I don't know them well and I don't like being observed at home. My safe place to be emotional, isn't currently "safe".
Along with explosive anger, extreme mood swings, and chronic feelings of emptiness "in essence, if you have BPD, your brain is on high alert. Things feel more scary and stressful to you than they do to other people. Your fight-or-flight switch is easily tripped, and once it’s on, it hijacks your rational brain, triggering primitive survival instincts that aren’t always appropriate to the situation at hand."
In addition to these main symptoms, most borderline people have other mental health diagnosis. This makes treatment more complicated. Especially over time and without proper treatment. Medication can help *some* people, but people with borderline struggle with many sensitivities to medicines and constancy in taking them as prescribed because of the side effects.
I've had wrong diagnosis over the years, which lead to an annoying amount of different medication combinations in what I truly feel was medication abuse on behalf of some of the psychiatrists I worked with. You can read about in my blog Pill Poppin'. I do believe that being labeled bipolar all these years, has caused misunderstanding in my treatment plan. My talking fast, bright, bubbly personality often got diagnosed as mania. And perhaps some of it WAS mania due to the anti depressants they shoved down my throat. Being off all pysch meds for over 18 months has taught me I don't experience mania on my own. What do you fucking know!
The memory that sticks out to me the most that can sum up my Borderline experience was when I first got the BPD diagnosis and was being treated in Wytheville, VA when living with my aunt and uncle. I was nineteen in 2012. My aunt said "I don't care what medicine you are on, but you need to be on something!" This was followed by several hospitalizations and me sincerely asking my out patient psychiatrist, through tears after needing yet another medication change (3rd time in a few months) "I know you can't tell me things about your other patients, but can you tell me honestly... does this practice/facility and your patients struggle with getting medication right as much as me? Is this normal?"
He was the only provider who has almost cried right in front of me answering that question, with direct eye contact, "Honestly, you are the most difficult and sensitive patient I have ever had. And I am so sorry we haven't been able to get things right." I didn't have anything to say to that. I've never had such a sympathetic doctor say something like that to me. He really did want me to get better.
I'm literally bawling my eyes out recalling this memory. His office. The room directly at the end of the hall. I can't even remember his name, but he was young, passionate and he cared. Frankly I find his demeanor odd, I've never had another shrink like him since, eight years later.
Soooo Treatment? I'll link the info from the mayo clinic here. But I will summarize below as well.
"No drugs have been approved by the FDA specifically for the treatment of borderline personality disorder." "...certain medications may help with symptoms or co-occurring problems such as depression, impulsiveness, aggression or anxiety. Medications may include antidepressants, antipsychotics or mood-stabilizing drugs."
The main form of treatment is psychotherapy.
Forms of therapy include:
Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). DBT includes group and individual therapy designed specifically to treat borderline personality disorder. DBT uses a skills-based approach to teach you how to manage your emotions, tolerate distress and improve relationships.
^ This form of specialized therapy is expensive and very difficult to come by in my experience. While most therapists are aware of its benefits, many therapists do not specialize in it or admit to offering this form of therapy. That being said, there are workbooks to help teach yourself DBT and it's "distress tolerance" focused. There are also other forms of therapy that can help: Schema-focused therapy, Mentalization-based therapy (MBT), Transference-focused psychotherapy (TFP). You can read about them in the last link srouced above.
Ultimately I feel the best therapy is the one that works for you. And I think the one that would work for me is Systems training for emotional predictability and problem-solving (STEPPS). "STEPPS is a 20-week treatment that involves working in groups that incorporate your family members, caregivers, friends or significant others into treatment. STEPPS is used in addition to other types of psychotherapy." Making sure your loved ones know and understand your diagnosis is critical for those with Borderline. I came from a family that not only didn't want to learn or education themselves, but what little they did know about the mental health environment, they would weaponize and use it to demean and put me down, instead of understand, learn and grow. Constantly asking me "did you take your meds today" expecting one pill to erase all my negative emotions and on very hard days calling me "psycho". But they had their own mental illnesses they are in denial about, how could I expect them to be supportive? I even have family members who question the authenticity of "real mental illness" and that it is "made up" and "all in your head". *sighs*
Education and self love have been the biggest factor of my personal self growth over the years of fighting my mental illnesses. I know others do not struggle as much with their symptoms, but I for those who struggle similarly to me, I see you. I feel you.
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