Coming Clean
- ForgetMeNaught
- Dec 17, 2019
- 13 min read
Updated: May 7, 2020
Jennifer Nicole Marco said, "I swear it's like a morphine drip and it takes time to be legitimately sober from it all. And no, there's no space for anything else in there!! At all!"
And that is how I felt about leaving the Mormon church. There was no room for any more growth until I left. Until I started to mend the wounds that I kept cutting into myself by staying. I've actually had a friend tell me I'd benefit from a 12-step program, even though I'm not an addict.

Indeed when I closed my umbrella, I realized it was only raining with it open. I opened it back up a few times along the way just to be sure. And....sure enough, there is was.
"I'm sorry for what I said when I was Mormon" is where I feel I am at. Apologizing, and making amends, to those I've hurt because of the shit person I was while I thought I was on a pedestal being in a cult. So that makes me somewhere close to steps #8- #10.... I guess people can jump around, I don't know. I thought you were suppose to do them in order. When you claim atheist, or "godlessness," it's hard wanting to follow a program that stills requires religion and/or the acceptance/guidance in a higher being. And while there may be something higher level or better than me, I most certainly do not worship it.
And just like addicts, you find yourself yearning for familiarity. All the familiar things you didn't realize had an emotional pull to. Silly things as simple as the carpet, photos, colors of the wall decorations, lights and curtains all being the same in all the Mormon churches. I saw someone post a photo of their feet sitting at a pew and I knew it was a Mormon post, because of the carpet! When the feelings are the same everywhere you go, how could it be wrong? You find comfort in things that are the same and protest those things which are... different. (*all or nothing thinking*)
When I left the Mormon church it meant coming clean. Being open about every single flaw, instead of repenting it to god. God wasn't real to me anymore, which meant no one knew my deepest secrets, my biggest mistakes. I wasn't forgiven by a higher law. I definitely hadn't forgiven myself either.

There is some (mental illness symptoms with) *all or nothing thinking* going on there but I feel the need to live authentically me. I haven't been living my truth this entire time, just fitting in and for someone else. Someone else who doesn't even exist. Yes, any current Christians/Mormons would call this the "influence of the adversary".
The ironic part about this is there will be Mormons who will refuse to read this, and they are exactly like me: hiding from themselves, praying to god, asking for forgiveness on who they are. These mind-altering behaviors are manipulative and controlling. They aren't healthy. I'm nearly one year in of having my membership removed and leaving that lifestyle behind. One year of driving by the local building and not going inside, leaving what I've known my entire life behind as I move forward to something greater.
I would never be a better person if I stayed in the Mormon cult. I want to say that leaving that church has brought me insurmountable joy, like I use to say when I got out of a good day of, then, 3-hr church services. But I would be lying, just like I was then. There may have been church related highs or me, but that comes to no surprise as I have learned about my extremely extroverted nature mixed with the mania of my mental illnesses. Being around like-minded people brings me joy; people make me happy. I recall youth church activities and not being able to sleep at girls camps because everything was so exciting and I was around PEOPLE, who loved me and cheered me on. Unlike my home life.
Life was hard then, and life is hard now. I've had to unlearn, rewire and learn NEW coping skills that aren't damaging to me and others around me. I was living to please a deity that doesn't exist because I was told he cared. I was told that he was my father, and that that was what I was created to do. When my home life was broken via divorce and poor guidance from my biological dad, "god" came to my rescue. It was a beautiful thought to a child that was raised in a struggling family home. I don't have "him" anymore. That purpose hasn't changed. I came to my rescue, I got myself through all those difficult moments. I pushed through. I'm mentally ill and I swore that god would one day do away with my illness, because I was told he would if I just kept faith. Even if it might not be fulfilled until the life hereafter. That was one thing that kept me going, one thing I held hope for...that one day I'd get better.
"Joy is a gift to the faithful!"
I read in my old notes from church. It sounds like a good quote until you consider the mentally ill with chronic depression. Am I not faithful because I don't experience joy?
"Endure til' the end" was one of the biggest quotes during my upbringing. I looked up to that current LDS "prophet" Gorden B Hinkley....
"What you worship you become."
"If all sin can be forgiven why is some sin bigger than others? Wouldn't all sin be damning if 'no unclean thing can enter the Kingdom of Heaven'?"
"If you kill yourself you won't go to Heaven." Ummm, not according to LDS-doctrine, and I know that must drive you bonkers, but almost everyone goes to one of the 3 degrees of heaven. I'm not special enough to go to outter darkness. The telestrial kingdom is still an elevated, and better version, of life than earth.
I had so many questions in my head as I tried to understand religion and rationalize where my mental illness came into play with it. Most people ask me what made me leave? But it was over years that I started changing my beliefs, hiding behind the giant facade that was being "Mormon". Basically, I was purposefully living a terrestrial lifestyle. And I was okay with that.
I now live with the fact my feelings and emotions were delusions and a symptom of psychosis during those intimate and often difficult times I came to prayer. They were very real to me and others then. They sometimes helped me make good choices. But you don't need a deity to make good choices. I'm still making good choices and I know the god I was praying to doesn't exist. It was most likely my body's way of coping and creating something to love and feel good for the sake of my childhood trauma. There is a reason that religion thrives in impoverished 3rd world nations. And it isn't because they are humble... They are easily manipulated when you have nothing and are promised everything. A hope for a better brighter life is exciting, and brings hope and faith.
"Experiencing hope is great when it gets us through hard times. It's manipulative when it keeps you there." -Kirsten (me)
The best decision regarding my spirituality I've made yet, was leaving the Mormon church. There will be members who use me as an example saying "See look, she left and she's unhappy" as a way to discourage others from leaving or validate their feelings to stay. I use to do that, too. I once had a conversation with another member that said "When people leave the church, they often don't go anywhere else. They've tasted the truth, and they can't find the truth anywhere else." This "principle" is taught on the pulpit from top authorities within the Mormon church. YIKES! I mean, trust me I was unhappy as a member, too. I just didn't say it out loud, but I said it to god thousands of times. I attempted suicide many times, too. I suppose there is some truth regarding ex Mormons not going anywhere else. We went pretty far down that religious rabbit hole.... many of us are now atheist. lol So what?

Life is hard. Especially when you don't want to be alive. My life is just one example of how Mormonism can fuck you up. There are hundreds of thousands of stories as you realize the membership is struggling with growth. The church lied to us and talked about baptism numbers increasing! And how we were "the fastest growing church in the century".
Grief and gratitude can coexist. In religion, or without religion.

The Cultural Demands that the cult puts on its members is overwhelming. I understand that most of these things can be seen as "good". But holy heck, when do you eat, sleep, or shit?!
-daily scripture study (individual and family study)
-praying (morning, meals, night, and everything in between. Also individual and family prayers)
-The daily “Come Follow Me” program study.
-Fulfilling your calling
-Ministering your brothers/sisters
-Family Home Evening
-Read the upcoming Sunday lessons.
-Save money for your children’s mission (in addition to paying tithing, a generous fast offering, and any other possible donation. i.e. temple and mission funds)
-Service time (cleaning the chapel, making meals for a new mom, funeral food...)
-Temple attendance
-Family History/Genealogy
-Daily writing in your journal
Many feel inadequate and guilty for not measuring up to these expectations! The Mormon church uses this guilt to constantly keep you on your toes, to keep you doing better. I vouched for my church's high moral and culture, but didn't realize that how you implemented them and the desire for perfection all the time kept me in a vicious cycle of trying my best but never reaching my goal... I can clearly see the manipulation and control tactics now.. With a few of exceptions, all those things above on the list are required for "salvation". So what do you think they would say if you didn't do those things? Or left?
For example, after posting a photo of my letter of resignation of the church, dozens of close (mormon) "friends" blocked/unfriended/Ignored me and never talk to me again. These were people I talked to regularly, went and visited their homes and children and saw them weekly during church worship. and people who have also had a faith crisis, just poof... disappeared! I do thank and appreciate those who stayed during my faith crisis. Those who are actual "Christ-like" humans who love and who cared! This year has been one of discovery. You don't have to agree to love one another. But if you ostracized someone you loved and saw regularly because of something like a faith change, you never loved them at all.
Jennifer Nicole Marco continues, "It's an all consuming lifestyle, and it only offers a mere hope of being with a family beyond this life. Typical cult programming to extend beyond capacity and STILL feel inferior as a result."
I am a better person for leaving my religion, and it did NOT feel good to do it.....
Doctrine
Lets get into some hurtful hard- to-swallow, keystone "doctrine" principles. You know, that Sunday school lesson that taught that Book of Mormon was the center of the gospel that held everything together? *Keep in mind these are just a few of many concerns, and the ones that stuck out to me. Specifically about 10 topics. For more thorough questions and discussion I suggest the cesletter.org!

To be honest, you can go looking and find bad things on any topic under the moon. ALL of these things are quotes, photos, and old doctrine I've found after I left the church. The reason why I left was much simpler than doctrine mishaps. You can read about that here. on my first blog on "Why I left". There really is just that much you couldn't find it all even if you spent your entire life looking. As I said, these things didn't influence me leaving, because I found them after, but it is most definitely reassurance as to why I won't return. Ever. And most of them are found on church approved websites.
We'll start with the discrepancies of the "First Vision". And by discrepancies I mean the different versions that are available to view and read Here.
"Our whole strength rests on the validity of that [First] vision. It either occurred or it did not occur. If it did not, then this work is a fraud. If it did, then it is the most important and wonderful work under the heavens.”
Gordon B. Hinckley – The Marvelous Foundation of Our Faith, General Conference, October 2002
None of them taught or said that Joseph Smith saw God the Father and Jesus Christ as two separate personages, even though my learning and understandings of these things since youth has taught me otherwise. Hymns like "Joseph Smiths First Prayer", words in creation 10 years after Joseph smith died in 1854, which I sang almost every Youth Night because we were too boring and never changed what songs we sang. To LDS artists commissioned for church decoration depicting such things, and the movies that can be viewed at the Temple visiting center, all discussed two separate people. The belief that God and Jesus are two separate personages is a fundamental belief that no other sect of Christianity practices or believes. (On a large scale that is) Tearing this down fundamental belief is literally removing what use to be the first lesson that missionaries gave new people learning about the church, i.e. the restoration of the gospel through Joseph Smith. An updated announcement by the church as of 2016 can be found in the church essays on their website here.
Next is the DNA results in reference to who the BOM was written about, also published in the 2016 updated church essays, here. Despite being taught otherwise, and even teaching with a Navajo Sister Missionary herself in my local area for many months who bore a testimony that "this book was about her people", there isn't a lot of scientific data that says that can be true. Not at least in the sheer hundreds of thousands?millions of people who apparently existed in the America's, as discussed in the front of all Book Of Mormons. Fair Mormon website has interesting thoughts on it HERE.
The book of Abraham was Joseph Smith's translation of " a record of the biblical prophet and patriarch Abraham". He was said to have translated this text from a piece of papyris. Historians and ancient egyptologist's have come forth and denounced these claims and have real translations of this historical document. Here See Photo below!

His gift of translation didn't end there. His use of a rock in a hat isn't widely known. It wasn't known to me and it certainly wasn't taught. I was taught that Joseph Smith, one (of his many) wive's Emma, and Oliver Cowdery were in a room, with golden plates, and a sheet cloth between, dictating the ancient text. This was also in the film we often watched when we visited the Washington DC temple visiting center. We do not have any proof that the "gold plates" ever existed. I was taught that god took them back to heaven when Joseph Smith was done with them, but they aren't for use now. I now know that Joseph Smith used a rock in a top hat where he put his face to block out light as another form of translation. Again this was never taught to me. And once again this is a topic that the new church essays talks about, here. You can also find detailed information about this in the forementioned CES letter.
TEMPLE ENDOWMENTS BLOOD OATHS PENALTIES- Probably by far the most concerning to my learning after leaving the church were the hand signs and signals that mime cutting your throat and bowels and ripping your heart out. These hand motions still continue today though some verbiage changes happened in 1930's when temple attendance was on the decline. And again in 1990. You can learn about them HERE, here and here.

Now we get to more subjective things, but nonetheless interesting. When you get an endowment/sealing you are given another "new name" in the temple. In addition making the fore mentioned life promises. I knew about the name thing pretty young, though many say that the things in the temple are to remain sacred and not talked about. My aunt and I joked about anyone who got the name "Nimrod". Anyways, this name is to remain secret, I mean sacred, and can't be repeated or shared. Your husband knows your name so he can find you and call you by name in the after life. But you can't know his. Luckily, almost all the names in recorded history of the Mormon cult can be found Here! You just need to know the date of the temple service! Since Jan 1965 each Mormon who gets a sealing in the temple on any given day receives the exact same name regardless of what temple anywhere across the globe. Present names are given from January 18th 2014 to now.
Speaking of the temple, a place where no unclean thing can enter, and God's appointed witnesses (bishops and stake presidents) protect this with several "worthiness" interviews to be able to go into. One of those "worthy" temple workers used his own sperm for AFI treatments to his patients at his place of employment. Here and Here. While there are dozens of cases of pedophiles and other criminals in nearly any organized religion, It just goes to show that god doesn't keep these kinds of people out of his house. Bad people exist, but when you teach that bishops are set apart for their leadership, and know by the spirit if you are lying, how much room for error have you allowed happen with those beliefs?
And what about hurtful remarks from the authorities within the church, snuck in through "prayer", "revelation" or "small humor"? You can nit-pick anything until it sounds bad. But this isn't a comedian or stand up entertainment. This talk referenced below in the photo was given to a Young Adult 18-35 congregation about marriage in a church, a frequent topic in those age groups. "Sisters, don't go around looking like men. Wear a little lipstick from time to time, it's not hard." When humor crosses over to seriousness it just makes you wonder motives. To view that talk click here.

And the church telling you what kind of sex a man and a woman can have. Apparently there are discrepancies, but the origin of the concern has not been rectified. Read about them here. AKA no oral or anal sex. LOL Anal sex are for gay people only apparently. Real bad stuff folks.
And Elder Bednars drawn out beginning of a Q&A with members, letting members know what questions are "good", "better" and "best" to ask. See for yourself. It's actually annoying how much he talks himself in circles. "There are no bad questions, but there are better ones to ask" and "If you came today with a prepared question, don't ask it. It can't possibly be inspired now with the direction just given."
Lastly, I want to go over one more quote that can be found on church-approved websites from Brigham Young University studies- the college owned, appointed and approved by the church. Joseph Smith compares himself to Jesus in a rather lofty manner.
During the conference in Dresden, Tenn in 1844- from the History of the Church Vol6, page 408-409, about Joseph Smith saying "I have more to boast of than ever any man had. I am the only man that has ever been able to keep a whole church together since the days of Adam. A large majority of the whole have stood by me. Neither Paul, John, Peter, nor Jesus ever did it. I boast that no man ever did such a work as I. The followers of Jesus ran away from Him; but the Latter-day Saints never ran away from me yet. You know my daily walk and conversation". Here








Special thanks to my editor: MC_hammer
Comentários