Etiquette

"So what happen to you?" Says the person I disclosed that I have been diagnosed with PTSD.

"You're on disability? For what!? *staring at me up and down*" Says the another person I shared most likely too much information with....

I'm not an expert, but I have been a mental health patient so long that I'm not an amature either. These questions appear simple, harmless perhaps, but the conversations that come afterwards are typically a totally different scenario. It is a choice to be offended but it is also a choice to be ignorant and offensive. Some people do it on purpose, some do it on accident. There are some do's and don'ts when talking about health and well being and I'm going to chat about a few of them today!

If someone feels safe enough to disclose their diagnosis(s) with you, what do you say? Any one of these options would be great.

1. "Thank you for sharing."

2. "Wow, me too!" (when perhaps you share the same illness)

3. Or say nothing at all. You don't have to talk about it.

These responses can show love, respect, kindness and privacy to those you may or may not know. Regardless if they are a long time friend, or a stranger on the street, If someone shares that they have OCD, Depression, Schizophrenia, PTSD, etc... it wasn't necessarily an invitation for a potentially triggering or heavy conversations with a question like "What happen to give you that?" *side eye*

If you had made this embarrassing mistake before and want to improve your communication skills to prevent less of those encounters, it does start with self reflection. Congrats for being here on this blog doing just that! Now you need to educate yourself in mental health! This will also help you identify which questions, like at the beginning of this blog are actually harmful.

My go to resource has always been www.nami.org I also suggestion places like https://www.bbrfoundation.org/ that specialize in research grants that support and fund treatments for mental health conditions! There is also a really cool blog section on that website of real people with real-life-mental health concerns, living their daily lives talking about their experiences. You can use these links to type in questions about a specific diagnosis and learn more about your loved ones struggles and symptoms. You can also learn how you can best support those in your life. Indeed learning about tough things give appreciation for the health you do have. Perhaps even bring charity into your heart for those you see struggling on the street from homelessness or addictions. (i.e. not all homeless people are mentally ill or addicts!)

Below is a Youtube channel I adore full of disability education from a cheerful lesbian! EEEEK!

Education is really the biggest part of this entire blog, but I won't be spending the majority of it sharing links, that is up to YOU to research and teach yourself. This blog is mostly about communication and the conversation about mental health and disabilities and how to get you started being more mindful. So I will be sharing tips that my years of therapy have taught me! Enjoy the free therapy!

#FreeTherapy #TherapyIsntFreeButMyTipsAre

So what happens if you really want to get to know about your friends mental health more? Great question! First, you to think about something.... did they share with you they had a diagnosis or a health concern? Or were seeing any professionals? Did they ask you for help? Or do you just know they occasionally mention they have gone to therapy?

IT IS NEVER ANY PERSONS BUSINESS TO KNOW SOMEONE ELSE'S HEALTH INFORMATION---> It is a privilege for someone to share their information about their life with you, there are no mandatory debriefings. I'll elaborate. . .

So when wanting to get to know someone, it's important to first realize why you want to know someones health, regardless if they are a loved one, in the first place. Is it curiosity? Is it because you love them? Are you trying to educate yourself? Are you just being nosey to gossip? Do you have ill intentions of using the information shared against that person in the future?

If it isn't because you love them or trying to educate yourself. Revert back to bolded quote above. If you love them, regardless if they shared their diagnosis, if they even have one, here are things you could say:

1. "I heard you mention before going to therapy, do you still go?" (if you want advise on getting started!)

2. "Would you like to talk about that more?" (if they talk about their symptoms)

3. "I've been reading about insert diagnosis and I was wondering if I could get your input..."

It's that simple. Let them decide how much information they would like to give you before you ask them to disclose trauma and sensitive topics they may not have been ready to share. These things are hard enough to share with mental health professionals, if you are lucky enough to have trusted ones. If someone is not ready to talk about something, saying things like "what made you that way?" Is not only hurtful and insensitive, it's incorrect. Not every mental illness is because something made them that way. Some people are predisposed or were born with their "illnesses" or disabilities. Unfortunately not everyone finds talking about how they lost their appendages, watched someone explode from war in front of them, is a felon because of trying to commit suicide, or details about their rape, as casual fun pass times. Plus its just rude to ask, "did you come out of the whom looking like that?"

Disabilities are not personality traits. Mental health symptoms are not someones character. These topics take education and open minds to lead healing and growth.

So now to some heavier topics.... Me and my mental health! The conversations and examples I outlined in this blog so far are the goal and the ideal way to go about these endeavors! Are they always how I have acted? Nope! Until we live in a society that prides itself in constant education there will always people with this learning curve. It's hard to forgive yourself for treating yourself and others so poorly because you didn't understand a topic. (race, gender, sex, health, etc) You could also find yourself in toxic living circumstances that you choose to learn and grow out of. And because everyone grows at different rates, as you change, so does the way you look at the world around you and the people in it.

That is what therapy can do for you! Help you grow and change, and hopefully for the better in a controlled, safe and ideally healing environment!

Just like it is a privilege for me to share so fully and openly my life and document about my mental health and the current shitty systems in place for treatment here in the Mental Health section of my blog.... there are also people in my life who are a danger to my well being by knowing about my struggles. But most people who read my blogs already know that. There have been countless people in my life who have choosen not to educate themselves, or people who have finally just started the process of their own treatment but are on a different path of the same journey. People like my family.

People who have weaponized my mental illnesses. (read provided link to another of my blog)

People who have belittled me for my struggles. (police too!)

Medical Doctors who have gotten my diagnosis wrong for yearssss because they didn't take the time to truly know me or educate themselves!

Every single grandparent not understanding...

Oh man, it's been a journey.

So when I came across a friends' shared Facebook post about mental health awareness, I again felt prompted to write and use some of her words

"I’ve seen this time and time again, people telling others “well it’s just in your head” uhhh Yeah [exactly!] that’s where their brain is, which is kinda important.

“You know that’s not a real thing!” Sooo every other organ in your body can have issues but NOT the most complex/important one... I guess asthma isn’t a real thing?

“I want you to look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself that you aren’t depressed”

...okay I want you to look in the mirror and tell yourself you aren't diabetic...."

She continues...

"It’s not that easy. Mental health takes many forms for MANY reasons. Can you find successful treatment? ABSOLUTELY. But is it simply a one shot simple thing? No. Psychology is pretty new, actual treatments are very new medically speaking, stigmas, these statements that I would hear allllll the time while working on the field do nothing but hurt and worsen someone’s pain.... so if you don’t understand, Ask! Look it up, or remain silent!"

I'll give you an example. It's long, so bare with me.

My sister and I, have never gotten along for as long as we have existed. Being estranged from family is pretty common when you were raised in a toxic cult upbringing. My mental health symptoms were fairly severe presenting early on as a child. They started around 10 years old. I started therapy at 12, and medication at 13 once suicidal. If you are familiar at all with how my family has treated me, separate from, but also because of my illnesses while going through puberty and now as an adult you won't be surprised to know my sister, who is only two years older than me, road that hate-train for quite sometime too. Hard and fast. Until after the birth of her second child she started experiencing postpartum depression. Suicidal tendencies and the lack of desire to connect with her children and family was enough for her to finally seek counseling. Counseling I believed she, and the rest of family needed long before 2018, due to trauma, depression and chronic anger and physical aggression. (Anger is a common symptom of trauma/depression)

There were many times in my life that my sister came to me and asked me "how could I ever think about doing something like that (suicide) to my family?" and "How could I be so selfish?" These things were mild compared to our usual fights. She has only recently began treatment and I hope over time her views will change. At our last speaking about it, it has not. At the time these conversations happen I didn't have the communication skills or training to control my emotions enough to be able to help her understand that her wanting to know the answers to these questions weren't the right questions to be asking if she was trying to be supportive. All I felt was hurt. She likely wasn't trying to be supportive, just nosey and insensitive. If you care about someone, you educate yourself- not wait for someone to educate you for you.

So when my sister finally disclosed her privileged information about starting an anti-depressant and therapy, I felt confusion, mixed with pure bliss and anger to hear her say "I finally understand what it's like now." While I could infer what she meant, it seemed a bit arrogant of her to presume she knew anything about the depth of my emotions/experiences. So I asked her what she meant as she struggled to say the words: "to feel suicidal." The words that were too heavy to say after bashing me all these years for it being my middle name. Instead she said "to feel like you don't want to be alive, the feeling of wanting to walk infront of a bus, end it all or that your kids would be better off without me. . ." I didn't feel pitty I felt it was her due time for the family genes to catch up with her. I don't think anyone can escape the mental struggles our family has. (which makes me laugh because they all keep reproducing... *face palm* But that's another blog lol)

I than I asked her if the treatment seemed to be helping or making a difference for her. I asked her for selfish reasons, because while I didn't love or care about my sister the way she presumes she has ever felt about me, I wasn't trying to make it more difficult for her to share this information either. After all, maybe she was taking a medicine that was working, that I hadn't tried, that I should. We could help each other. Genetically speaking, it's scientific to try the medicines for the same illnesses that worked for your family members. No such luck, she was taking one I already had tried. Good on her though for finally being in treatment. I didn't make her feel bad for it and I didn't call her selfish, belittle her or say I told you so. While internally I was struggling with a varying emotions of the news, I thought the opposite. I thought she was finally on a path of confronting years of demons that have been lurking. And while I can never recall a moment after the age of 12 that I have felt love for my biological sister, that doesn't mean I'm not happy when one more person is perusing their education in mental health for their own well being and their families. She has kids, it's most important for them that she is healthy.

Have I since shared the above (her) personal information, regarding her mental health, in light of very serious concerns of child abuse? Absolutely! Not all mental illnesses lead to child abuse though. Some of it can... I don't think hers is 100% linked to it either. I believe her upbringing and environmental factors of being raised in the cult we were, played the biggest role.

You see, my family has constantly said I was the black sheep. Different. The worst. The only one with illnesses this bad. And it couldn't be farther from the truth. Even if the one and only thing that separates me from my parents, siblings, aunts, uncles a grandparents is that fact that I don't abuse, hit or "spank" children.... It would be enough. But it isn't the only thing that makes me different from them. And as I continue with education, therapy, and healing I plan to make a lot more differences than similarities the people of my past. The people I share blood with.

My family breads abusers. You pick up behaviors you didn't even realize you have. I want to be authentically me. I want to be a safe place for others struggling. My sister somehow trusted me not to judge her talking about her new mental health diagnosis that day nursing her 3rd child on the sofa in my dad's living room. She didn't need to tell me, she just did. I think she may feel betrayed by it now. And she has every right to feel those emotions. As long as she is improving herself and doesn't treat other people with mental illness as she continues to treat me, that would be progress. You can be mad at someone, you can even hurt because you are watching someone struggle in their mental health. But you have no right to blame your unhappiness on someone else's mental illness... unless it involves raising kids.

My entire blog here has been a chronological documentation of my life and being raised. How the mental illnesses of my family played their roles of raising me and my siblings. While I can't speak for them it is evident that we struggle tremendously because of that upbringing. Is it "nice" to share things that may paint others in poor light regarding mental health? Certainly not. But it is apart of my healing and it is essential to talk about these things if we ever want the world to drop the stigmas and hate around mental illnesses. My family claims they don't care what they say, but try and censor me for sharing my life.

We can't improve if we never acknowledge what is wrong.

We can't grow unless we heal over the things that are hurting us.

We can't heal unless we talk about those things.

If you have said things or acted like the below screen shots of my sister and I's conversation last week, you need education and therapy, not to bash me for sharing my grief and sadness my family left me out of informing me of my grandfathers passing.

I don't think she showed anybody anything....

How you treat people is what give you your character. My grandfather treated most his family very well. He treated black people like shit though. I don't believe you can be racist and a good person. But you are still a person. My grandfather may have not bee a good person, but he was a person I had fond memories with. And I wanted to celebrate those with his death!

As I said, the world starts to look different when you step away from that...

An old mutual friend of my sister and I's, who is also a reader here apparently, reached out (11/23/20) after years of no communication asking about my blog about getting my tubes tied. They than gave a sincere apology for why they stopped communication years ago. I just thought life got busy, started a different life/family and she moved away. I had no idea it had anything to do with my sister influence. Let alone that my sister was spreading a rumor that I was a sex addict.

It's really mind boggling what people who are jealous will do. My sister included. I have idea what part of always wanting to kill myself is so appealing to her anyways.

Moral of this story, my sister is exactly the person you don't want to be in someones mental health journey. The simple conversations I outlined waaaaaaay before my families complicated introduction is all you need. Before it gets.... this complicated.

Keep it simple!