I'm Not Bipolar

No one is bipolar. People HAVE bipolar disorder. They have a set of symptoms, they aren't those symptoms. It's a matter of words/ communication/ state of BEING. More on that later...

I use this blog for coping and an outlet for creative writing to get racing thoughts out. It also serves as a time stamped journal documenting parts of my life in the moments that they happen. Documenting things as life moves along, often without me.

So how really has my life been since my last mental health update blog? Let's do a brief Q&A with people who interact with me regularly. Sean, my best friend and ex boyfriend, see's me everyday and spends more time with me than anyone else during the past year. And a few others...

Q1: When and how did your friendship with Kirsten start?

July 2019 was Sean and I's first date -Kirsten

AURORA- Well, I met you in 2014 at Mary Kay meeting but would say friendship actually started when we went to Pittsburgh for career conference...prior to that it was ok see you next week and yes "friends" but legit friendship i would say started then."

Q2: How many days out of the week/month would you say Kirsten's moods are stable?

SEAN- "23/30 days, usually it's about one week per month she isn't doing well."

AURORA- "Oooofff, hard to answer we message at times frequently and then other times infrequently but when we text you're open about your feelings and I know if a- you want to continue talking about whatever is going on or b- change the subject and get you focused on small win."

Q3: What are visible coping skills you observe Kirsten use? List as many as you can think of.

SEAN: "She will remove herself from the situation, talk about her issues, vent, and write."

AURORA-You journal, take notes, blog and sometimes just want to talk.

Q4: What are the most difficult symptoms of Kirsten's for you to cope with on a regular basis? List all you can think of.

SEAN "The most difficult symptoms are the mood swings and sadness. We can have something planned, be excited, and then one thing is minorly wrong and then cancel all our plans and stay in bed all day."

AURORA-"None really, living with someone with mental illness actually helps knowing that I could even gain insight from one person for the other and vice versa...at the end of the day the only thing that sucks about people who struggle with depression is they whole heartedly feel they're better off dieing sooner rather than later and just knowing that deep sadness exists on a daily at times sucks..finding something/someone to live for is goals is what I've learned and knowing that people just suck hurts this concept ."

Q5: Based on what you have learned about mental health, do you think Kirsten is utilizing the local mental health services that are available to her to the best of her abilities? List why you do/do not believe so.

SEAN "She is definitely using the local resources to her best ability, the local resources just sucks."

AURORA- "YES, you wanted to go to therapy during pandemic closures and 2 years ago would have been meh not a bother..you've picked up certain things from various sources over the years that helped you deal with some shit-either coping skills,  or diagnoses or podcasts to check out."

Q6:How do you categorize the progress (if any) that Kirsten has made since you met her?

SEAN- "I think she was making good progress until the quarantine, she's backslid but still better than when I met her when it was every other week she was suicidal and sad."

AURORA- "I've learned there are High's and lows and when the lows are low its knowing how/when to check in..trust is huge and that is one of your biggest things that you have had progress in...today...trust I see for me and sean..trust isn't taken very lightly and respect goes right along with it...2 years ago no response in a few days after "a manic episode " is normal fast forward while it's still ok for no text after a few days the dialect is different hard to explain but a bad day you want to talk about it more and you love to talk even "back then" so I can only honestly say progress has been made over the past FEW years but as a whole can't pinpoint any 1 or 2 things that validates progress you can just see it /hear it/ feel it."

I can give you my opinions of myself all the time, but outsiders view help keep you in check when it comes to noticing symptoms about yourself you might not have noticed otherwise. I often ask Sean what he is noticing about my mental health progress, if any. At times he thought I was improving and than he gets confused and is unsure. We both agree my mental health depleted quickly after I stopped therapy with Danielle Hudak in Feb 2019. It is hard to take Sean's view of me very accurately, mostly because he isn't as observant as I am, but also because often what he observes is not congruent to how I feel.

Last year was the peeking of my PTSD symptoms. After I was raped (April, 2019) I fell physically sick for three consecutive months. Four rounds of antibiotics, loosing the support of Fred, my therapist over some hurtful words and lack of support after the assault, and took to blogging. I also lost my PCP of three years due to complications of my medical insurance. I was wetting the bed, hearing my dad scream my name when he wasn't home, multiple times a week, insomnia for days, and constant panic attacks/flash back. I lost my sex drive.

And then I found someone who was willing to do EMDR therapy with me. Danielle Hudak, but that quickly went south when she broke my trust and called the police on one bad day during a therapy session after I told her not to. Read Day 51

My current symptoms (compared to last year) are as followed-

• Little to no interest in sex. I rarely even masturbate anymore.

• Weight gain of about 20lbs.

• Vivid disturbing dreams 6/7 nights, Night terrors 3X/month

• Insomnia

• Appetite fluctuation (binging, to not hungry)

• Auditory Hallucinations At least 1X a week - (this is an improvement from last year)

• Constant worry, dread, intense anxiety

• Self harm

• Regular hot flashes and intense sweating

• I hate the door bell/alarms in the morning/loud sounds. Instant chest tightening and sweating, ringing in my ears.

Really, not much has changed from last year. And if it isn't any wonder I haven't been getting the proper treatment for my symptoms. What has changed is my official documented diagnosis from a doctor instead of a social worker/self diagnosis; though it was the same diagnosis- it's just more official when a Doctor says it. After two intake sessions and answering 100's of questions with specialized online tests, John Brown said the results of the test were: PTSD, Anxiety, Depression. I'm waiting for him to print or email me the results that I may up load them here for you to see.

Environmental factors.

Everyone has been stuck inside with Covid and it has been miserable hell for me to not be able to have people to talk to, see and socialize with. Mental health services have been extremely limited if not closed between March-June. Sending me into regression.

I am still unemployed, and as much as I want this to change at least to part time, it still may be quite some time before I am working full time again with my goals to receive specific forms of therapy that would be nearly impossible to work through. (Things like TMS therapy that involve one hour daily sessions for up to 30 days.)

Regularly Used Coping Skills

• Meditation

• Yoga/Breathing (grounding)

• Temperature control with hot/cold baths

• Blogging/ journaling

• ASMR to help sleeping

• Socializing/Phone Calls/PM's

• Copious amounts of benadryl to force sleep and calm my anxiety. As much as 125mg/day- depends on the week

• Music

I know that this list is missing many things, such as a useful therapist. John is eager to get rid of me and hopes that Turning Point-Way Station (a Sheppard Pratt officiate), has everything I need under one roof. And while I can agree with him, that if he doesn't think he can help me, he can't, I'm not excited to keep bouncing around and not getting the treatment I need. I'm not entirely hopeful with Turning Points services either. I met my new "case manager" for her intake assessment, named Billy-joe, though they use a different term for her position. She will help determine and supply the referrals to the rest of the building services. *big sigh* They accepted me back in March but were completely closed due to Covid. So now here, almost mid June I finally am starting that communication. The beginning of promised, helpful services for my needs.

Another coping mechanism that is on the list for many with mental disorders is psychiatric medicine. This is something that has hurt me a lot over the years and not helped. I actually found an old photo from June 2014 after recently coming off some of the worst mood stabilizers I have ever been on. Respidone 5mg and Depakote 1200mg. (what I now consider mal practice and a severely-unneeded, high dosage.) Read Pill Poppin' for my indepth break down of my experience of psychiatric drugs.

One of the only photos I have of my myself from this time because I refused to take photos of myself because of my hair loss.

I lost half my head of hair in a month and vomited almost daily.

I think that about sums up my current mental health situation. On a scale of 1-10, ten being the absolute best. I'd put the past four months around a solid three (3/10). HALP!

Oh and yo', bitches! I DON'T HAVE BIPOLAR DISORDER!! Your mood stabilizers can suck a dick.