First Dates

Insomnia has been my consistent best friend for the past two weeks. And I found myself thinking about my future blog topics. I thought about how most other bloggers usually offer advise and aren't in my typical format of documenting my life via journal entry/creative writing style. And that got me thinking. . . What do I have to offer in the form of advise? Not much. LOL

I can't say I feel like I have the necessary skills to give insight on most things in life, let alone dating... but the idea about "first dates" made me kind of excited. A few of my friends lately have come to me about their love lives and dating concerns, or at least was asking... advise!

For starters, I'm polyamerous. Which means I have the ability and desire to love and be with more than one person at a time. The majority of people in my life are monogamous, but their dating isn't really any different than mine, I just do it with more than one person. None the less I have a copious amount of experience of FIRST DATES. At this point, I can say over 100, indefinitely.

Just last week I was messaged at 2:00am in the morning from a teenage friend. They asked to come pick them up from drinking and not feeling safe with their partner.... And so I did. I told them about one of my experiences I had with a first date and it made me realize, I do have a lot of experience of what NOT to do.

Just like when Thomas Edison was asked "How did it feel to fail 1,000 times?" he replied "I didn't fail 1,000 times. The light bulb was an invention with 1,000 steps." "Great success is built on failure, frustration, even catastrophe." He just found a thousand ways the light bulb didn't work.

So we'll start with a list of Do's.

(these precautions are on the assumption you are looking for someone to date for long term relationships. Regardless these are important safety things even if you are looking for friends-with-benefits (fwb)/ short flings!)

1) If meeting them from online dating, DO make sure that you get to know each other a little bit before sharing personal information like exact living location/car you drive/phone number/where you work. These things might seem little and like they may compromise fun conversations and getting to know someone on difficult to navigate dating apps, but making a connection and being safe is more important than giving a strange the best way to find you. Especially if you work in a public place anyone can visit.

1. 2) When you do decide to trade phone numbers- I like to list them in my phone as "first name" and "the dating app/physical location in which I met them". (ex.] John Library, Sean Bumble.) I find that online dating has flows. There will be weeks that no one is using or matching and then all of a sudden I will have a dozen matches and people interested in talking to me. Obviously I don't have time for all of them at once so keeping track of conversations and who these people are helps me evaluate if I will be seeing them in the future alone on a date!

3) This is where I recommend something many people feel is outdated. PHONE CALLS. Or video chatting. And no, not necessarily the dirty kind. I just mean making sure that you can hear their voice and hold a conversation. Voice is an important factor for me. So is being able to hold a conversation. While phone calls and video chats seem tedious, if you like someone, this should be exciting. Don't treat this like a job interview, but this is the time to ask important questions. What kinds of dates do you like to go on? Make sure its within your budget if money is going to be spent! Make certain you meet in a public setting first before you go someplace private. Decide where you might go, and what your schedules are like. I've decided not to go on a dates with men who work crazy hours, because, while they were fun to talk to and hella cute, they weren't looking for the same things as me and working 70+ hours a week is simply not enough time to find time for culturing the type of relationship I want. Know yourself! Again, phone calls make for LESS unneeded first dates. I find that people can too easily hide and lie behind a keyboard and when confronted with phone calls, it makes it easier to decide if I will be meet them in person.

I know we are spending a lot of time talking about BEFORE the date, because I find that these safety precautions are not always as obvious to others and the learning curve can seem intimidating. Anyone worth while meeting will happily be okay with these simple safety precautions.

So it's a date! Now what?

4. Drive yourself. Unless you know this person, and even then... make sure you have your own way to and from the date. Too many bad dates with no way out can make someone insecure. . . Give yourself permission and confidence to enjoy, or end a date whenever you want for whatever reason! Don't let the kind gesture of a "paid for an Uber for you" compromise your safety. The old ways of "I'll pick you up at 6:00 with flowers." Isn't just outdated, it simply isn't safe for first dates. What. So. Ever.

If you date gets cold, let them borrow your jacket.

5. Tell a friend. Let someone you love know where you will be going and what time. I'm sure you are already excited and told a friend anyways. Now, if your friend doesn't hear back from you how the date went, someone knows that you may need help!

6. Be yourself but ask questions to get to know your date as well. I've been on quite a few first dates that I realized I never got to know my date. Even though I enjoyed it, I still never knew their last name? Not that it is the most important fact to ask... but dang, how did simple things slip my mind?

7. Condoms/contraceptives. Have them. For you. For your partner(s). No matter your back ground, religious beliefs, safety first! I find it such a turn on when my date has their own contraceptives. I can't tell you how many people don't use them. Look at our growing world population. YIKES! Protect your baby maker honey! No one wants a baby from a first date! (and I don't want any at all!) Read Why Wear a Rain Coat for some more details!

8) Communicate! First dates are all about getting to know each other. From the words you say, music you listen to, clothing you wear and how to move your body. They all communicate something and can set different moods. That interest can often misread. So make sure to verify what something means with verbal ENTHUSIASTIC consent. And to clarify, what you wear is not consent for physical contact of any sort! Wearing a fun dress, cool shorts, or what you have underneath them are self expression. You should be in an environment that is safe for that expression and communication. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable for what you choose to wear, you need out of there. I was mostly meaning that if you planned a nice evening someplace with a dress code and your date showed up in sweats with a stained T-shirt.... you may want to make other arrangements as they didn't/couldn't put themselves together for the night. I personally like a date who looks and smells nice! Hygiene is important and I've met with people who had very bad regular hygiene. NEXT!

I know some of these things may feel obvious (and or scary to others), but these are simple things that can set up a good first date that often go ignored.

Now we will go into Don't's.

Cute. Well planed. Private. Not generally first date material. But makes for a great photo.

9) Don't assume your date will pay for the date. I'm a firm believer that the askee' ... should pay. However "going dutch" (paying for yourself) or "Splitting the bill" may sound like a better option if you have a rude date that ordered a fancy steak dinner, appetizer/dessert/alcohol at a nice restaurant they picked when you choose a simple entree and glass of water....and somehow their card got denied? True story. Dine and dash dates are the worst. You don't have to go someplace nice on your first date. If you couldn't afford it, for a first date? It's a safe bet you shouldn't do it. I would avoid potential difficulties/embarrassment. Live within your means. The best dates include the best people. Not food, location, or expense.

10) Don't be late! I for one value being on time. Respecting other peoples time is kind and a great foot forward. This one seems obvious, but I've had plenty of dates cancel, 15 minutes after they were suppose to already be there.

11) Don't feel obligated to ever see you date again. Self confidence takes time and saying "No" in difficult situations was hard for me going through different dating phases. This is partly from my cult upbringing and sheltered life experiences. Similar to how I felt that I would get a piece of candy if I kissed Dan Taylor (childhood creepy "family-friend") on the cheek, I would be given special treatment or be given candy.... I felt like because my date paid for such a nice experience, that I owed them a hug/kiss/second date/sex. THIS IS WRONG. You don't owe anyone anything, because someone was kind and met up with you. You don't owe people anything just because you are saying goodbye either. Keep yourself safe and practice consent and strong will.

12) And similar to the above. DON'T do anything you don't want to do. If drinking is not your thing or you are a recovering addict? Don't agree to meet them at the bar. If you don't want to meet them at their house? Don't (even if its been three, four or more dates. If someone makes you uncomfortable for any reason, there is cause for pause and reevaluation!

There doesn't need to be a copious amount of rules for dating, but rather a ethics code you already follow. It's like putting your seat belt on before turning on your car to drive it. It's safe and often comes naturally- but not everyone does it. (guilty, I don't!) So when you choose to adopt some or all of these "tips" you'll know if there will be a second date quicker.