Life After Mormonism

Many still active Mormon's have "come to the rescue" to offer their condolences that "they know what it is like" being where I am at. And "they knew me better, happier, at a different time." Feel free to read one of those experiences in a previous blog... "Yo Mama So..."

So, am I like so many other ex Mormons who are "happier that I left?" No.

I'm happy I left, for the sake of my health and moral obligation to be a better person. But am not "happier" or "the happiest I've ever been" since leaving. I repeat:

I am not a happier person because I left the Mormon cult, I am a BETTER PERSON for leaving it.

Two completely different things!

You see, I am not the model ex Mormon. I have struggled with debilitating mental illnesses my entire life. (I started therapy at age twelve, and medications at thirteen) Many of my illnesses were inflamed by my devout beliefs in the Mormon faith. I claimed to literally hear/feel God answer my prayers due to delusions/hallucinations I had. And I did. I had several hallucinations I claimed to be "spiritual". When I shared them, people told me not to, because "like the temple, somethings are sacred/secret". Little did I know that I was just sick, and they were likely trying to protect me from the judgments of sharing such silliness with "others who wouldn't understand." I realized that our body wants to make us happy it, in critical/sensitive/traumatic/uncertain circumstances, the brain and body will make us think something is real. Sometimes to comfort us, sometimes to get us away from that environment.

I learned later that my many hallucinations revolved around the church as a trauma response! I know most people didn't claim to actually see god, hear him, talk to him, or feel him hug you. But I did. I knew it wasn't normal, and I was told that my testimony was so strong to experience something like that. Mormonism started and fed those lies. My brain was just trying to make sense of it all and kept it going.

One of the things that I have been actively working on to improve myself is to dispel the toxic and hateful belief systems I defended and occupied in my thoughts, actions and words. Racism, homophobia, etc... Here is an example of encountering an Mormon when I shared historical documents about the words of past LDS church leaders and the racism and hate they spewed!

Becoming a better person doesn't mean you are happier. It's actually really difficult. It has been rather life shattering realizing the organization that I was raised and supported my entire life was built on some terrible nasty lies, gas lighting and pure racism. Like Katheryn Buxton, mother of my high school boyfriend and life long friend, in the blog I tagged above, I too lived a life of an apologist before I realized god wasn't real. But when being an apologist and making excuses for the past leaders and church history wasn't enough for me, I left. Being a better person means I strive to not be homophobic/racist/sexist AND actively help love and support those who are: black, apart of the marginalized groups (including women like myself) and people in the LGBTQ+ community. I started standing up and loving myself. Sadly these are ideas not supported by "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints". My new actions and therapy aid in clearing a life time of guilt that I spent on the other side in deep hate and hurting others, but these things have not directly affected my serotonin or dopamine levels to give me the happiness most other ex Mormons experience when leaving and discovering themselves. I do wish I experienced that one day.

It's possible I won't though, because I am different- not "because god is punishing for leaving his church" or because "it's lonelier and darker" or that I "need to come back to the light."

My mental illnesses aren't just circumstantial as many peoples bouts of depression/anxiety clear up when when they aren't stuck in organizations/homes/toxic environments that profit on brain and behavioral control. Instead ex Mormons use their cult taught behavior to degrade/gas light/belittle ex Mormons.

The "light in my eyes" didn't leave, if you knew me at all, you'd know it was never there. LOL I've been pro suicide and deeply depressed for as long as I can remember. The "spirit of contention" didn't deceive me, I have a real illness, unfortunately god didn't see fit to heal or get rid of it no matter how faithful I was.

Dee is one of those old ladies with cats and flowers as her Facebook profile photos. I realized she didn't know how comment sections work....

When you say goodbye to all you have have ever known you have to question:

What do I like now? Diversity. Kindness. Simplicity.

Who am I? Not, a daughter of god that's for damn sure. I'm a human who is learning and growing who makes mistakes.

What do I stand for? Truth! Not righteousness. *because "truth and righteousness went together in Mormonism"

Where do I go for comfort? Friends and loved ones! Not toxic blood relatives

It's like leaving a religion has more to do with my life experiences than me just validating my sinful ways? *Sarcastic face* It has always been that way! Even if Mormon's don't want to engage with people who leave to try and understand where their heart is. (mostly shattered on the floor realizing all the pieces were trash anyways...)

I'm a better person for leaving Mormonism. Not Happier. Get over yourselves and be happy you don't have a mental illness that prevents you from reaping the joy and freedom of leaving toxic environments!

Sometimes learning about who you are, has to start with who you aren't. And I'm NOT Mormon anymore. And yeah Dee, I'm pretty damn proud of that!