Roommates

Now that Sean and I live together, at least for the next year of this lease agreement, money and time is a hot topic. This is going to be another 9-minute blog!

I wish he felt the need to be more responsible for his own home and life too. But I have to ask him or he won't do it. This situation is beyond frustrating to me. I pay half the bills now, and I have been putting in more effort than him lately in our home. He actually still owes me money with this move in. I do not hang this money over his head because I encouraged us to move out from his other apartment two months earlier than his lease ends- so it would be done before he started school. And, frankly I'm glad we did. His stress is through the roof right now since starting his online classes literally days after we moved in. I do wish he knew how to put more away for savings.

Sean is a spender and I fear he always will be. Everyone has their vices and I think he makes decisions that are above his means. Spending wouldn't be so bad if he had it to spend. We differ on these views greatly and it is causing issues in our relationship. He has made decisions he gets stuck into for years. ($417/monthly six-year car loan with 24% interest- before he met me.) I've tried talking myself down from the anger by how wasteful I feel he is with his money and saying: "He is the oldest of six. He never go to experience as many things as he can now as an adult. He makes his own money, he can do what he wants." But I'm still annoyed.

In the past (October 2019), Sean has lied to me about money and kept the lie going for several days. Until his conscious got the better of him and he texted me while I was asleep next to him to admit his mistakes. When I woke up to pee I checked my phone and read his text, it basically said "I lied to you about what happen with that money ($400 savings). I didn't let a room mate borrow it for rent, and he isn't going to pay it back. I spent it on random things and food over the past two weeks. I know that lying was wrong and I'd understand if this is make or break it thing. You have every right to break up with me. I'm sorry." At the time I laugh/cried because I thought him feeling so ashamed of himself and beating himself up for continuing to lie as I asked questions was enough punishment. And I 100% believed his lie.

The game you play when you want to loose all your money

During this time I also let him borrow $300 to go pick up his Warhammer minis in OHIO from an online seller offering a great deal because the pick up day was a few days before he got paid. I told him "this is what a savings *could* be used for. Temporarily using it for things you want/need before your paycheck hits. A small loan from yourself, and when you get paid you put it back". But that is where he felt the need to lie, as we walked with 75cent cans of soda's in our hands down beside a chain-link fense, as I waited for my new-to-me car inspection to get done. looking back, I think it was easier to lie to me cause he wasn't able to look me in the eyes as we walked outside side by side. It was bright and hot out too. And than he used my money, that I would have lended him anyways, because his was all gone... I woke him up after reading that text message and playing things in my mind and told him "it's his money he can do with it what he wants. I'm not breaking up with him." Our relationship was new I was just trying to help him save. But lying, about anything, is completely unacceptable.

At one point he even gave me his debit card- which I ended up hating. I didn't want to be in that much control of HIS money. I didn't want to control him, I wanted him to learn to be responsible for himself. My concern for how he was spending his money grew over the next few months and I broke up with Sean once last year about it. Read The UnBreak up. He still asks me if it is okay with every purchase above $35 he makes.*sighs*

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Anyways, back to the present.... I have been sick for a few days, drugged up on Day Quill medicine when we went to Hershey Park last Saturday. Sean is now sick and has a fever of 101.5 and has been off work because of it since Tuesday! More days off and no pay. *sighs* His 30 day recovery from his foot surgery wiped his sick days/ PTO and vacation with 4.5 months left of the year to go. I realize now may not be the time to vent out my feelings, but I need to. I'm going to explode.

This month is about setting boundaries, saying no, and making my needs and wants heard.

This year has been hard on both Sean and I, individually and as a couple. I admit to not being perfect at expressing my feelings, but I do not think that Sean and I are equally yoked here. I have stated my expectations of him and in reaction he stated his expectations of me in order for him to do what I asked. To have his chores written down before the day starts. I find it condescending, but I guess I have to play along. And if and when he still doesn't complete his tasks, we will revisit. He says he is getting better and as much as I want to validate and encourage him that he is, I don't feel that way. I don't think he is getting better.

Sean is depressed. He isn't showering or taking care of his oral health the way he needs to. He gets upset when I tell him his breath is really bad when he wants to cuddle or kiss me. He has spit several tonsil stones out over the past few months, his breath is BAD. He takes it personally instead of getting up and brushing and flossing his teeth. I know that his breath has always been an issue since our first date. Chronic bad breath usually means there is an under lying medical condition. Maybe he has a dry mouth? He is chronically thirsty in my opinion. He also hasn't seen a dentist in years. At this point nor have I. I know gross, after my suicide attempt I also have let myself go too- but I do not have the years of plaque around every tooth lining my gums, he does. He has also told me that no dentist has ever said he has ever had gingivitis. *rolls eyes* Right. I know his self confidence is often fragile and the things I type here can be heavy and hard for him (and others) to read. It is important to me I write them though.

I know my hyper awareness and anxiety make how I view the world and my life situations differently than others. In all honesty we are *okay* right now as a couple financially, for the most part. I have said recently that if I had control over both of our finances, he wouldn't spend a dime until he paid off his grandmother who helped prevent his car getting repossessed when he was unemployed.

He actually forgot he owed her, this was over two years ago before we met so I didn't know about it until we were standing in his mothers kitchen and she reminded him. I than causally said to him, "dang, if I owed my grandmother I wouldn't have bought a $1k tattoo". And he felt bad for it. If I had control over his finances we also wouldn't spent a dime of his money on anything fun until I made sure he/we had $5k in savings. But I don't.

Sean and I are very different. I know by nature he is forgetful. I do not get the same dopamine pleasure response spending money as he does. It freaks me the fuck out to have my savings accounts so small right now, and I'm not really in a position to add much to it anymore.

Most of the men I have dated has been poor with their finances. I think humans in general are terrible with it. My dad/family thinks that I am somehow bad with money because I haven't been able to keep a job longer term. However I am good with money, I just don't have much. So tell me how I am able to pay half my bills making less than $10k year and Sean is struggling with making over $50k?!

One of my most recent blog posts A Day in A Life of Me talks about my current finances this past year in more detail. That blog was heavily triggered because during my friends birthday party, Sean called me after getting home from lunch with his uncle, the one who is paying for his college education, and asked me where I was. He forgot I was attending. He then told me that his uncle would like me to meet his wife to go over finical planning. It made me livid. I need to see a financial planner? LOL No Sean, you do! I discussed this with my therapist and he too gave me caution about meeting with family members for "financially planning". He agreed it sounded manipulating and an invasion of my privacy. I know that his family want him to be in school full time. His work schedule and his sanity doesn't allow it. He has bills to pay that require his current employment. I think because his uncle would have had Sean temporarily move in with him and take a part time more flexible job to go to school, that they feel they have the right to question my income as well now. Perhaps they think Sean is taking care of me financially? Boy, would they be wrong. Frankly they can fuck right off! They're right though, Sean needs professional help. I'm clearly not a strong enough influence to help his spending inpluses.

Why is Sean surprised to see $825 when I ask him to open my bank account so we can money plan before we decided whether to buy Popeyes for dinner? He than forgot I haven't paid any bills yet, and that after my part of the rent/electric/internet, my car insurance, phone bill, gas for my car, and food, I would have less than $100 left. It only took him a few minutes to remember that I don't get paid more than once a month in my bank account. But it was his first response to it that was concerning!

I'm now going to describe a situation that I do not suggest others doing.... I realize it isn't healthy, but I didn't know what else I could do.

Sean has been short and angry with me giving his chores verbally. As we discussed earlier he prefers them written down before his day starts. That makes you a douche Sean, making me have to think about the rest of the days/week JUST so you can remember to do them because you wont' do them if I don't write them down for you, but Mkay.... When I ask him to do something he said he will get to it by the end of the day. If he wrote it down, set a timer, or made a way for him to remember and than actually followed through and completed them, it wouldn't make me so upset when it never got done. So I fought the urge to remind him all day until he saw me in the bath room drawing water for my nightly bath. That's when he asked me if I was going to bed soon. I told him yes and asked if he was. He also said yes. I grinned and I said "I was going to wait until you laid down for bed to remind you that you forgot to clean the litter boxes...."

And he got angry, "You were really going to just let me forgot and lay in bed ready to sleep, than tell me?"

Me- "Yes, I fought the urge to remind you all day, just so I could be right and knew that you would forget if I didn't constantly nag you."

Sean "I did forget, but this conversation makes me not want to do it now."

That is when he told me that he wants a list of to-do's on the days he has time to do house chores and what I expect of him. Two days later while I was in the bath again I told him we needed to talk about us and that I have been really frustrated with him. I said it might not be the best time because he is very sick. I should have taken my own advise, because I soon as I brought up the story above, he denied forgetting because "he did get it done before the end of the day as he said"..... And he denied I reminded him or our conversation in the bathroom ever happen.

AAAAAAAAND that is why I am writing this blog today. Sean doesn't get to gaslight me because his memory sucks.

>Do the dish because you are a good room mate, want to be helpful and I made you warm food to come home to. I feel like he would rather eat pizza rolls every night, just so he doesn't have to wash as many dishes.

>Clean the litter box, because you have a cat too and you asked me when we moved in to have it done every three days. We both laughed that you never in your life have done that before and said "that won't last long." (once every two weeks more like)

>Clean up after yourself- 3 days of socks on the living room floor are your responsibility.

I don't think I should have to make a list for you to-do every day on your days off. But rest assured, I'll have things for you do to. I'll make those lists. Cheers to being room mates!