Madisen Keseker- Moving on

Each season of life has a beginning and end. You may not even realize you are in the next chapter until you've had an epiphany. And that is what this blog is about. My epiphany of realizing I am on the next chapter already. Sean is moving out and gratefully letting me keep the apartment; something I wouldn't be able to qualify on my own for. Finding a roommate to replace him is infinitely easier than trying to find strangers also looking for the same thing and applying to places "together". None the less when Sean told me he was moving back to live with his mother I made a post on Facebook Market place. And in came the messages inquiring "is this still available?" by mostly creepy men. I say creepy because these men gave short replies, had few questions, asked for the exact address (of my apartment) and wanted me to call or text them with more information with my phone number. Because giving out my phone number and address for a obviously-single-woman post makes me feel all sorts of safe. *sarcasm*

That night Sean held me as I cried. I was scared if I was making the right decision. All my good and close friends were already living with their significant others, had children, owned houses or didn't live local! I have to go with a stranger.

Me getting acupuncture.

After I felt better from my cry and was getting ready for bed two people messaged me that are now the two top contenders to be my roommate(s)! I say roommates, plural because I met the one on Tuesday and really liked him as well as the girl who I originally was leaning towards on Friday!

As my acupuncturist says "things are coming together. I love how you are taking control of your life and making sure only good people are in your space!" And he is right! I deserve that! I deserve good people. In MY space. MY SPACE. Not the outdated pre-Facebook social media... good people in my home!

I've had some people turn sour in my space specifically but not limited to Sean, and it has been difficult navigating those emotions as we still live together; though he may be leaving sooner rather than later. And I will tell you why. When I made him a Facebook, set up a new profile photo, set up a business page for his aspiring Photography business, within just minutes of doing so his ex reached out and asked him via text "why he had a Facebook and didin't add her?" So while I was making his first post on his business page of our last photo shoot together, I asked her last name and I added her on his profile as I finished up what I was doing. He has 5 friends now. Including his mom and me and his ex. Sean doesn't have many friends. But what follows is sad; and perhaps unconventional. But something I want to share because I feel it is important. This was Madisen and I's conversation.

I know what you are thinking, "that's what you get for reaching out to your ex's, ex." But let me tell you why I did. Because monogamous Sean maintained a flirty-friendly relationship during the entire two years of our relationship with Madisen. From here on out I edit her phone number out, but these screen shots are private conversations I've never seen, until now, between Sean and her.

And Madisen, if you choose to read, let me tell you that my licensed professional therapist that I see weekly for EMDR therapy, that I signed a legally binding contrct of confidenctiality gave me the weirdest, most concern look on her face as a reply to me reading these messages word-for-word. She mouthed the word "Wow". It was the scrunchy face people make when something smells really bad. The face you make when you pulled away from something you don't like, eyes confused.

Something was putrid, and it wasn't me.

And than I laughed at my therapist because I told her, I had the same reaction. She smiled.

As some insight, when I taked to Sean about the above convo his exact words went as followed "You see, Madisen has a degree in psychology and thinks she knows it all. She said you reaching out was a way to mark your territory and letting her know that I was still yours."

I gagged a little.

But since Madisen "doesn't feel the need to hide anything." Neither do I. What follows are several dozen screen shots I found after Madisen treated me poorly, a women she never met or spoke to...making a light go off in my head that something was wrong. So I took Sean's old phone and read their entire 2 year relationship while Sean was dating me.

She wished him a "Happy two year anniversary" for their "break up" in March of this year via text. Sean and I were still dating during this. Sean and I were dating during most of all of the screen shots provided today, minus one or two weeks.

She asked him about having a 3-way multiple times with her boyfriend or with me. Sean also suggested it.

She asked to meet me many times as well. I wanted to.

Calling me mom for being made that Sean got shit face drunk and puked in the shower, and left his friend in the living room alone.

But Sean denied the right to Madisen and I ever meeting and didn't make time. He didn't want us meeting, and when confronted about today, he said "this is why I didn't want you two meeting." And I asked Sean, "Because you knew she would treat me poorly? huh?" He said "yes." So I followed up "You spend time with people who hate people they never met or ever spoke to?" He said "most of my friends don't like you, I wouldn't spend time with anyone if that was the case."

All of his friends, whom Ive never met, hate me? What on earth? Lying hiding this relationship behind my back.

Up and until Sean gave me her last name, I never knew her Facebook until that day. So I reached out, wanting to chat, maybe meet, ask some questions. Until recently these are the things I knew about her: She went to school for psychology, I believe to be a therapist? (who would have thought with the earlier behavior?) She lived in Alexandria, VA but was from Winchest where my ex lives too. She has an crappy boyfriend named Alex, Sean's words, not mine. She regretted breaking up with Sean. Flirted frequently. Was a curvy woman, Sean likes curvy women. She struggles with her mental health too and is insecure about her place in life and body image. And one last thing I knew about her.... apparently she "squirts" a lot. Aka super-dupper lubricated during sex. I only know this because Sean kept her "squirt pillow" they use underneath her every time they had sex to prevent a mess on the bed. And I found it while cleaning out his closet on our 4th or so date at his house. *shudders in disgust with myself at these red flags* Oh the things I could tell you about Sean...

Degree In Psychology

Mental health/suicidal

Insecure?

Bad boyfriend

"Life hasn't changed"?

I can hear the questions rolling in now. "But you are poly, why does any of this matter to you Kirsten?" Because Sean was monogamous! (kind of) At least that was the boundary he set through out most of our relationship. We certainly needed to set more and regular re-minding of said boundaries too, but if you ask him today, he will tell you he is monogamous! But he is not, he is a liar.

There were some blurred lines to our relationship and I will tell you about some of them. There is a lot to unpack honestly. Perhaps some things should stay private, but for the purpose of my blogs, I want to be fully transparent. This is MY online public journal, where I get to be me and share my life, even the ugly-no-one-wants-to-read-parts. Even though you are reading it and likely being entertained. Welcome to the shit show that is Sean.This will includes sharing private details Madisen thinks I don't know about her too. Because everything she has told Sean the past two years is now at my finger tips too.

I say Sean was mostly monogamous because as I said, that is what Sean calls himself to this day if you asked him. He's never told me any different, despite not fully acting that way. I don't believe he is. And he was given the freedom to live as he pleased, with my full encouragement in our relationship. Because compersion! I want what Sean wants. It makes me happy to see Sean happy. Compersion is such a good thing in polyamory. But Sean didn't want honesty and transparency.

During our relationship there have been times where he has missed his ex. He even went to see her in August 2019, at the early start of our relationship, to "return a stuffed animal she left at his home". To my knowledge this is the last time he has seen Madisen. He returned home in tears, from missing her and from being hurt by her, because he told me that she made fun of his music again while he was jamming out in his car and was belittling him. He said he had to choke back tears she was so mean. Apparently something she did often in their relationship. My first hearing about her, I was not pleased. Sean listens to techno/ background video game music. I like some of the things he listens to actually. Added them to my play list too. ("Bubble gum bitch" And yes, "I'll chew you up and spit you out.") And all I remember is his head in my lap, me stroking his hair on his futon mattress at his old apartment, listening to him sob from the experience. (another red flag, he wasn't over his ex)

Sean didn't see or talk to her for a while after that. Or so I thought. Or so I thought we agreed on for his mental health, too. They continued talking monthly. And every time Sean and I got into a fight he went right back to her. He texted her pretty much every time Sean and I was taking a break. Drunk, horny, lonely Sean, was a common texter to her too. When I was babysitting, or out, or while he was at work bored, texting Madisen. Sean has few friends, and apparently, so does she.

When we found old love cards and gifts in his closet from her, we kept them even though seeing them made him super emotional and already cry. A red card, a watercolor painting... I made space for his healing over his ex. But I didn't know he was still perusing her.

Sean and I have had struggles with our sex lives, specifically me and my body, but even that was a topic in their conversations. My trauma, in their conversations. Why?

When I asked Sean why he did this, he replied "Because you tell everyone your tauama anyway, I didn't think it mattered." MY TRAUMA IS MINE TO TELL ASS WIPE!

Sean told her that I struggled due to an assault predating our relationship. Sean trusts Madisen and vis versa to tell each other personal things. So when I took his old phone to grab these old screen shots I learned more about Madisen and her mental health, love life, education and career. Almost two years of private conversations now in my head and at my finger tips. Why was a woman I was not allowed to meet or talk to allowed to know about my sex life, in that detail with Sean? But if this information was found organically from any of the maybe 4 out of the 140+ blogs I have written about my sexual dysfunction here, that would be fine. But instead he spread it like gossip. She heard it from my boyfriend at the time.

I'm glad Sean had someone outside of me to talk to about his feelings. Even the hard ones. But I'm disappointed in who he choose to shit-talk to about me, behind my back. And sharing my sex life and trauma with her, without my permission first. Keeping his plan B in his pocket.

This wasn't Sean's only non monogamous actions though. Its not even the only one he hid from me either. Sean had a male sexual partner outside of me. A best friend. We will call him John. I got ot know John over time. Helped him move out of his appartment, he fed our cats while we were on vacation, we had a 3-some one with him too. John was someone I encouraged Sean spend time with sexually when I wasn't able to provide that to our relationship. But I knew and loved him. This is ethical non monogamy way Sean! What you had with Madisen is NOT!

I am okay sharing these private these things because I want people to know about my relationship with Sean. I want people to know where I am coming from, my thoughts, feelings and my choices. I bring this scenario up too because this is an area where I felt Sean broke my trust again. I had set clear boundaries that with penetrative sex there were to be condoms with anyone outside of me. Sean ignored this though, or what he says "forgot about it". And it really hurt my feelings when I had to hear about it casually from his friend one night when we were all hanging out together. I held in my pain and curiosity and spoke with him about it later, in private, when his friend left to make sure he was safe, but he wasn't. It hurt me a lot to hear his excuse.

We all make mistakes, but I didn't find out about it until months later. *sighs* And I didn't find out about all the conversations Sean was keeping from me with Madisen until just a few days ago. I understand that anyone monogamous reading this would say that our relationship was really fucked up. Being away from it for a month now, going to therapy (when am I not in therapy though), getting outside perspectives and seeing it for what it is now, I totally agree!

I thought Sean and I had a special connection. Sean denies being ethically non monogamous. (I mean, hes not ethical, but... you know what I meant *wink*) He denies being bisexual too. Which is fine, but he is having sex with a man almost as regularly as he was having sex with me. (that's a *mostly* true joke by the way- for a while he was getting bj's from his friend more than any sex from me) Side note: I know what we do sexually doesn't always define our sexuality, but I do struggle making sense of Sean's behavior. I wanted Sean to have sexual partners outside of me because I knew I wasn't capable of giving him all he needed and wanted. He even told Madisen that "he didn't mind" my sexual struggles/ journey or healing. Sean loved me for me, with out without sex. His love was quite tainted though. But we all have needs. And I'm glad he was seeking it outside of me, just not okay with him lying and keeping it from me. I need to know he is being safe. He broke my trust, without even thinking to tell me either. Which even hurt more. I don't think he knows how much that news hurt. He seemed to brush it off as an accident.

I understand the weight of my words of sharing such deeply personal things. I also understand this blog may cause pain to the people mentioned in it. And that I am willingly doing it anyways. This is my life and my truth and no one gets to take that away from me. Especially an ex lover who was less than honest about his doings.

I have every right to know where my boyfriends feelings are with other people when we share a deep relationship. I told him every time someone new was in my life! I even shared happy messages, dates, and shared stories what happen. Never did he come to me and tell me what was going in with him and what I assumed was platonic friendship/ fantasy or jokingly fwb's with Madisen's.

I know there is a lot of information here. And A LOT to unpack. This blog has been emotional for me. Lots of tears, hurt, sadness, anger, confusion. While Sean's actions are not "cheating" they are lying. They are with holding information that I if I knew was happening, I would have been encouraging of, like the beginning when he came to me in tears or we kept their old relationship keep sakes But this is dishonestly. Especially since I couldn't meet/wasn't allowed to meet this person. Every person I had seriously spoken to for dating Sean was given updated details. My next meeting back with Russel, my 3rd date, I was ready to introduce him to Sean. I even read him messages that made me happy from other men, to Sean. I wanted him to know what was going on. But Sean didn't want me to know about his feelings for Madisen.

If Madisen reads this, and I suspect she *might*, I want her to know that it was Sean who didn't want us to meet. I wanted to meet you girl! For lots of reasons. But mainly compersion Because if Sean is happy, I am happy. To be frank, if Sean and Madisen don't get back together after this I will be even more disappointed. YOu kept her in your back pocket this long, go get her Sean. So here is some random screen shot for your trash-tv-liking viewing pleasure. They are graphic, for ages 18+ and up. And only a small sampling of their sexual conversations.

Why does my monogamous boyfriend (at the time) need to talk to her like this?

She was supposedly monogamous as well. *resampling*

Pt. 1 (Why did he have to keep this from me?)

You sure you don't want one? "ya know..." what? seriously what does that mean?

The last thing I will say regarding these screen shots, even though I have so many more, is the one where Madisen warned Sean of me of wanting to trap him by having his babies. He did rebuttle the argument insisting that wasn't so and that my fallopian tubes were burned off (aka "tubes tied") and removed. Sean told me tonight that he did the same thing when Madisen said I was marking my territory by reaching out to her the other day. Girl you can have his lying ass. He's all your hunny.

Sean is right about one thing, I did tell him I don't see relationships lasting with my age and how fast I have been growing and changing. Most people do not grow at the same rate and often stay in unhealthy, unhappy relationships. And I have now outgrown two ex's in a row. If the pattern continues I hope the next is better than my last. I'm not even concerned with the next "being my last". I think that is linear thinking when I'm polyamorous. But I was fully committed to Sean. And now to read their messages and feel like I he wasn't even honest to me, feels really icky. It's a sucks guys.

I can't even process fully how I am supose to feel. I mean we were already separated, but to find out he was being sketchy when we weren't is hurtful. And she was pushing for it. If you want the rest of these messages, let me know. I'll send them over.

There is a lot.

None the less, I won't forget all the midnight runs to Sheetz, the driving to Sean's mother's for laundry and chats about my life with his mom. The watching him play hours of video games, painting his miniature figurines. I won't forget he helped me discover myself outside of the Mormon cult. He listened to me ramble non stop, because he liked hearing me talk. All the hugs, kisses, eating food out- and man we ate-out a lot. ( I gained 40lbs in this relationship guys!) How we moved in together, how he helped me get out of my dads. How we started a life together. Got a kitten! He sat with me when my grandfather died and my family cordially uninvited me to his funeral, and partnered it with a warning to the whole family for everyone to stop talking to me indefinitely. (And they did.) I won't forget Sean or the role he played in my life, who loved me through all my anxiousness and depression. (his half assed love) Who accepted my control for my life and would not be stopped if I wanted to take that life away from myself. Sean was many things to me. Even scary. You can read about that part in Thanks For Feeding The Cats But neither of us walked away unhurt or innocent here.

So, my epiphany? I am moving on and ready to live on my own. With out Sean. To start something new. And to be a better me. I am getting the care that I need weekly. I am going out of my way to get better too. Driving out of town multiple times weekly for the best EDMR therapy and acupuncture. (70-90mins away) I am spending what little money I have on getting BETTER! I am finding and healing myself with professionals who care about me too. And even though I am saying goodbye to an old life with all his lies, I am saying hello to a new one. And we will just have to wait and see what that holds for me. Only up from here! The Madisen Keseker chapter is officially closed. I'll leave you with a song.... "It's good pain, it means I can't be phased."

Xoxo,

me

Authors notes- I honor me. I honor my pain, my sadness, my fears my successes, my joys, my heart. All of me. It will be alright! Time for NEW.

Thanks for the gift