Sex Addiction?
- ForgetMeNaught
- Feb 21, 2021
- 11 min read
Not too long ago a friend who I had fallen out of touch with reached back out, apologized for it being so long and told me why she intentionally put space between us. I figured it was typical life, family, maybe she moved away stuff; not something intentional. Honestly I had no clue she was going to tell me that my sister convinced her that I was a sex addict and that I was going to steal her boyfriend. Kind of blew my mind. But my sister and family have used the words "sex-addiction" as a statement of fact, when it is simply untrue.
While today's blog may have heavy influence of my families input on *my* sexuality, this blog will be getting raw and open about my sex life and teaching educational based learning how to have safe-sex enthusiastically and consentually!
A few weeks ago I finally google searched something that has been on my mind. I had asked several of my therapists the same question in the past and they always said my question was riddled with... concerns. But I wanted to know the answer.
No guys.... being raped will not end a sex addiction. And I wasn't able to find any good articles on it. I was only able to find links about "understand the links between sexual abuse and addiction", "A Tribute to Sex Addicts Who Were Abused as Children." And sexual assault hotlines.
Sex Addiction is real though and affects physical & mental health, financial stability and social relationships in your life. That said, being raised in a cult and already having mental health concerns before being sexually active, can also have those symptoms. I do not have multiple children, I'm not reckless with my sexual partners. I've never had an STI and I stay protected and plan safety precautions. However, my family believes (present tense) that if "I fixed my sex addiction" my mental health and life would get better. LOL So what about ages 11-17 I was suicidal and was mentally ill and not sexually active, but masturbating all the time? *rolls eyes* Screen shot of my a text conversation between my mom and I. None the less me having sex with whom and I how I did, isn't the reason I struggle with my mental health! Sex can be very helpful for your mental health!
It's quite sad that the sister, who was sexually assaulted as a child by our grandfather, is the one who is continually perpetrating these lies. "Hurt people, hurt people." My therapist said. As much therapy as I was in, we (my mental health team and I), have never been able to find any suppressed memories of being sexually abused as a child. Gratefully, from all abuse I did experience as a child growing up in a cult, sexual assault wasn't part of it. That didn't mean that there wasn't lack of sex education, or me sitting alone as a young teen (15?) with a man in his 40's, in church, behind closed doors, talking about my masturbation habits. There are all sorts of red flags, but I was not touched sexually by anyone un-consentually until I was 17. (that I can put to memory)
So this begs to ask, do I care what my under educated, overly resentful sister and family have to say about me, even now? Yes, and no. Yes, because there are other people out here being treated poorly by my families influence. My sister influenced the woman who was a teenage friend of mine who reached out and shared the screen shots below. Though she apologized profusely, and has done a lot of changing since this encounter, my sister still goes out of her way to message my friends list... There are also people in my life being treated poorly by their own families, in similar ways based on their choices with their bodies and sex lives. So maybe if I share my story, and get what weighs on my heart- others won't feel so alone. And they too can start healing too. #PurityCultureNeedsToEnd But I no longer value the views of these types of people in my life. They are traumatized and unhealthy. I now get my counseling/advise from people who love me, care for me and cheer me on to success.
So what does my googled question have to do with any of this? Ever since I was raped in April 2019, my sex drive died quickly and came to an almost screeching hult since Dec 2019. So if I was a sex addict would my desire for sex just disappear because I was raped? Does being assaulted by your dealer just magically end your heroin addiction? All facetious questions. . . But I'm not addicted to sex.
I'm well educated and unashamed about my body, there was once a time this was not so. I'm one of the 13% of women who have very regular monthly, on-time menstruations. So as part of my sexual health I have always tracked my period, ovulation, and of course how frequently and with whom, I have sex. (I keep a calendar and list.)
I do not want to get pregnant or contract and spread STI's. So I wear condoms unless the person I am with is a trusted long-term partner. I also stayed tested every 3 months, OR if/when a new partner was introduced and kept the clean bill of sale in my glove box in my car to show my dates. I was raped again in April 2019. Since meeting Sean in July 2019, he has been my only sexual partner. And in the past five (5) months Sean and I have had sex less than *5* times. In the entire year of 2020, I had sex 65 times. (went back and counted) That's less than six (6) times a month. Most of this sex did not involve penetrative sex either. (oral sex is sex!) And compared to my previous sex life, this is huge difference for me. Even going months in a row with no intercourse at all. Several sexual interactions during my relationship with Sean has triggered flash backs, uncontrollable wailing to tears, shaking and vivid memories of being assaulted. I no longer have sex the same way, nor like things I use to since directly after my rape. As if I don't dream about being raped enough every night I try and sleep. I do think that my lowered sex drive is my bodies way of preventing these flash backs. A coping skill to prevent sexual function and desire as I heal from the trauma.
So, if I was a sex addict, why would being raped cease most if not all my sex drive or interest in sex all together? (I image my family saying that "Kirsten being raped brought her back down to earth, to a *normal* sex drive." See screen shot below.) Does anyone else have anymore links on this, genuinely curious, since my family insists of its validity?
Prior to my rape I was someone who could enjoy intercourse up to 3x a day if available. It obviously was rarely available at that rate, and like most "teenage boys" will tell you- I took care of myself. *winks* But I am not a teenage boy. I'm a woman! How dare me have a high sex drive! *gasps* How dare I seek education and safety, instead of shaming myself, to protect myself and others. How dare I give my body what it is asking for in a safe, consenting, loving way, instead of try and force myself to stop "touching myself" because it is "sinful".
I have done a LOT of growing, learning and maturing since my first sexual interaction. I think we all have. I grew up in a home where I never knew what a penis looked like in 3D (out side of a black and white piece of paper from sex ed) until I was 17. And that's not saying much because my family withheld me from many important sexual education classes/assemblies. I think 17 is a bit too late of an age to learn and understand about the autonomy of different bodies! I started having sex at 18, as a repressed active mormon-cult-believer teenager. The guilt and shame ate me alive daily. Literally daily. And that "godly sorrow" that mormons teach we need to have for repentance? I had suicidal thoughts frequently knowing how "un pure" and "unworthy" I was FOR MASTERBATING! I was also told I was selfish for feeling suicidal over it too. Even though sexual sins are considered the 2nd highest sin next to murder. Why wouldn't you feel guilty? You can read more about my sex life/ sexual assaults in these two blogs I Was Raped and Coitus and Dalliance . They break down in detail different ages of my life and my sex drive as followed, so there is no reason in repeating it here. Here is a humorous review video of that mormon video I had to watch when I was a teen. The video guilted me to tell my bishop I masterbated.
Now I'd like to focus on a few other important topics.
Shwooo so much to unpack in such a small screen shot. We will take it sentence by sentence. Some context, I noticed that I guy I went on a date with a while ago, got into a relationship with this mutual friend. I commented on their relationship update something like "oh I didn't know you guys knew each other, small world, congrats!"
"I worry about what my sister gets up to. I won't go into details to spare the drama. lol" -> totally curious what other things she has up her sleeve. What haven't I shared with the general public yet that you know about Meghan? Why is what I, or anyone else does their genitals any of her business?
"But I asked her and she said that he donated to St.Baldricks and was giving away free Mary Kay to those who donated." This is true, though I'm not sure why I would leave out that fact that I only went on one (1-singular) date with this guy we are talking about, and it was sitting down at the Valley Mall by the Long John Silvers. Nothing sexy or special. I was not interested in him further and we didn't see each other again until I gave him the product.
"kind of crazy" "that's an understatement" = what she means is mentally ill. But neither having mental illness nor enjoying sex makes you "crazy". Using those terms is however shameful and wrong to the mental health community.
"She's legitimately a sex addict." "I don't think anything is beneath her." I assume she means that she believes I went around sleeping with other peoples partners un-consentually; ruining relationships or something. I have been in relationships with married men AND their wives. I'm POLOYAMOROUS. That's like... the goal. Consentually, of course.
5. "I asked her how many dates she has been on and she said "at least 100."" This is truthful also. She did ask in person once, I did throw that number out there. I honestly have no idea how many dates I've been on. Many of them were coffee or park walking dates just like the one mentioned above. I was still actively Mormon during this time- those fuckers have an A-B-C rule with dating. Can't date guy "A" again until you see "B" and "C" again. (not I'm not kidding) And while I was sexually active, going on many dates with multiple people isn't odd. That is fairly usual, honestly. That does not mean I even held hands, hugged or had sex with all of the people I went on dates with. And even if I did that isn't shameful or anyones business. If you are asking if I had one night stands before? Yup, I have, but none of them were ever intended to be that way. People can be really shitty sometimes!
6."These guys must be seeing her for crazy or something must have worked out by now." That's not how dating works all the time. Not everyone partners quickly. Not to mention most of these people I didn't want to see again after meeting them! Have you seen my poly dating section of this blog? It's a comic relief. Even though I question people who put titles to constant short-term and *new* relationships every few weeks... I was "single" for 3 years before I met Sean. (Math though- 100 dates in like 3 years, even though that quote was based on all my dates I have ever had in my life, is one date a week- sometimes with the same people! How is that so strange?) Gratefully, I've never dated nor been married to a man I had with children with, who cheated and left me for another woman- than took him back! (marriage hasn't been done well in my family, sadly.) We all have issues, and what you choose to do with your life is your choice. I prefer being more cautious with who I decide to have longer meaningful relationships with, and I do not believe with who or "how much" I have sex diminishes my worth or the quality of relationships I have. I also prefer safe, honest and loving relationships. Perhaps my low tolerance level for the bullshit my family puts up with their "spouses" is why I'll never seek marriage. I won't allow a relationship to continue with cheating. I won't let a relationship continue with physical, verbal and sexual abuse. And there is nothing wrong with leaving and finding someone better! Because believe me there is someone out there who will treat you right! That's not what the cult I was raised in taught me though. Which I believe is why my mom is on her 3rd domestically violent marriage. You can enjoy causal dating, and yes, CASUAL SEX, until you find someone worth while. But I digress, no dating precaution is full proof, one of my ex's I dated for a few months when I was 19, is in jail for being a pedo!
7."It's just her fakeness on fb and how she acts like an innocent person." Isn't everybody a little fake on social media for not sharing their full selves? Faceook is hardly the place where everyone is airing their dirty laundry- not everyone has a public online journal like me. lol I have never intentionally positioned myself to be "innocent"- nor believe other people to be innocent solely based on social media presence. If that is how someone sees my personality, that's on them. I know lots of people who love to suck dick and post bible verses on Facebook. I use to be one of them! I'm an asexual atheist now. *shrugs* I don't think someone has to say "I love jesus and I love dick! Just letting you know so you an judge me accordingly." Wtf.
8. "It just gets to me I guess" Me not living to someone else's expectations and standards really grinds those gears. damn, my bad.
Sadly, this isn't the end to my sister messaging my social media friends to influence them one way or another about me. And she has been blocked this entire time! These screen shots are from last year (2020) during our most recent drama filled concerns over her abusing her children. You can read all about that in the Nuclear section of this blog.
The last time that my sister has talked about this mutual friend to me, who inspired this delightful blog, Sean and I were sitting on the couch together at my dad's. She put her life-long friend down for having an Only Fans and doing fetish/kin sex work as a side hustle. My sister proclaimed she was working with/egging on pedophiles because she liked Daddy Dom/ Little girl consentual adult play. The lack of education goes on and on! If you find yourself judging how consenting adults have sex and want help changing, feel free to reach out!
If you have people like this in your life, who berate you, I'M SORRY! Please seek counseling to receive the best possible help. I have found several of my therapists through a site called psychology today. Where you can use the "find a therapist" feature to search on age, gender, insurance and specialty therapy to find the perfect fit all within your zip code! Lots of other cool features/Education/Articles there too!
Do I hate my sister/family? No.
Do I think they are bad people? No. They do have some intense behavioral issues I hope with long-term therapy and a willingness to get better can help untrain.
It really comes down to judging people for having SEX.
Thinking about it. Having it. Liking it. And doing it with as many or as few as you want to, is *your* choice. If this offends you, you are probably religious and uneducated. If you are practicing safe sex, what you do with your body, is your choice.
Resources to increase your sexual education:
Sex Education Netflix show (LOOOOOVE IT!)
As always, if you have questions comments or concerns, post a comment or reach out personally! Happy fucking!
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