Where'd you go?

My faith crisis has taken me many places, but recently I have found myself in a new spot. Objective observer. If you have been following my journey and have read this blog frequently, you know a little bit about it already. About the hurt, the anger, and sadness and about the stages of grief I experienced as I said goodbye to god and to my life style of the Mormon faith. You can read about here in the Dogma section of my blog.

Stepping away from cult practices felt unlike anything I had experienced before. And if leaving all you ever knew behind wasn't traumatic enough, I was raped six months later, and frankly, leaving the cult affected me more.

So if I'm not Mormon anymore... where'd I go?

I came across this post on Instagram quoted from Rachel Held Evans and it really resonated with me. I felt like it was time for a reflective update on "where I am at". She continued in the description of her post talking about "church" saying, "A safe place to be held as I unraveled." And I was and I AM unraveling.

"A place free of shaming, judgment, and most especially fear."

"Where the unraveling itself is not feared, but revered for the new growth it will bring."

"A place where I would be deeply seen, heard, love and received wholeheartedly and unconditionally."

"A place where I would be held in both my darkness and my light."

"A safe place to fall but would also challenge me to be true to my values." THAT WERE CHANGING!

And lastly... "Where process is valued over perfection. Where my messy wild, chaos of creation is deeply respected. A place where I would be safe and held, free to bloom and grow."

Indeed learning from others and listening to others trials have been necessary along my entire faith journey. From the beginning when I found god during testimony meetings when I developed and intimate relationship with a fairy tale at eleven years old. All the way until now, at twenty-seven years old I'm working on myself as an agnostic-atheist/secular-humanist. Listening to others life experience has helped move through life with much empathy.

When I first officially left the church in December 2018, there was anger and fear. Fear of joining or becoming one of those angry ex-Mormons. But I already was angry. Angry at god. I still believed in him at this time, I believed leaving His church would bring him to his knee's if he cared for me at all. He would fucking listen to me and stop interfering with my suicide attempts. Let me get what I wanted and stop sending angels to protect me and leave me scratch free even after driving myself in my car 75mph into a tree. When in all reality, god wasn't real, a sky daddy had nothing to do with luck and me forgetting to take off my stupid seat belt. I wasn't ready to join those ex mormon groups online yet.

But six months later I was, ready that is. (I guess being raped will do that to ya!) And that's where I have found one of my favorite communities I have ever belonged to. Mormon Enlighenment! Created by Sean and Crystal Excobar, a delightfully educated, hilarious ex Mormon but christian couple! The group really allows anyone and everything to be discussed with its members. When I joined last year around May 2019, it had 4.2k members. We are not 5.9K strong! The open door policy lets ex mormons vent, share hard personal and real experiences about the culture, doctrine and what is happening to peoples lives. Apostates unite!

In this group I was encouraged to educate myself on church history. With peer reviewed, scientifically proven, and even links from the churches very own website of things that where contradictory to what I was taught all while growing up. Things I believed and taught to others while a practicing Mormon. How was doctrine changing? How were so many thing omitted from my learning? Why were they hiding things? Why weren't they Coming Clean?

It sent me down a dark rabbit hole. A full identity crisis. Who was I even??? A joke? A lie? A racist! A homophobe! Fuck sakes what was I supporting and into? It demanded self actualization. I could no longer stand where I had been for so long. I wasn't okay with who I was with this new knowledge. With god not real, I went searching for people who I admired, and liked. Characteristics of people I wanted to adopt into my life.

I still know some amazing god fearing people, but bonding with them was different now as my world was shaken from the clouds my head have been in my entire life. Clouds I feared so many others minds occupy. Clouds that rain down cognitive dissonance that justify a way of life I can no longer condone.

I found other sources that resonated with me with my personal growth. A Youtube channel now called Jimmy Snow, formerly Mr. Atheist, but now "Mr. Athiest" is a show he offers on his channel, as he grew and covers many more topics with his atheist-discussions! His call-in show on a separate channel called The Line, is pretty cool, too! He too was ex Mormon. He is around my age, and was taught the same doctrine, that is now being taught differently, as me! We shared similar experiences.

Me when I was Mormon. LOL

To be honest, the typical atheist community is one that I knew little about. But what little I was exposed to through literally every guy I have dated, wasn't really positive. Some back story to that statement... I live on the east coast of the United States and the Mormon population is very, very small. Through my single adult life with online dating I found out quickly that other Christians really despised Mormons. The only people willing to date me seemed to be Athiest. How endearing, right? lol I was put down for being Mormon, and I was put down from my church community for dating non believers. Rebel from the start, I supose. I typically speak fondly of most of my experiences with my ex's, religion wasn't going to be a "make-it for break-it" topic for me. I accepted I wasn't going to be "married in the temple" very early. After all, my parents marriage ended, my mother is on her 3rd domestically violent marriage at that...marriage really feel like something meant for me. Why not just find someone who makes me happy, regardless of what we believed in?! None the less, I found the typical Atheist community cold, sexist and full of toxic masculinity. Including the men I had dated who wore the atheist badge so proudly. Jimmy however, was a breath of fresh air. He too grew up in a very Mormon family, and now a progressive atheist, supporter and apart of the LGBTQ+, or as I picked up from his lingo GRSM (gender/race/sexual minorities).

Jimmy also introduced to a christian woman named Brenda Marie Davies who he has had on his channel multiple times. She too has an amazing Youtube community named God is Grey. She is the type of Christian woman that gives light, love and energy to the dying hurtful culture and history that religion has done to our world. I don't agree with her core beliefs, you know, the one that says god is real and lives and such, but she uses "god's word" to do good things. Not to hurt, shame or damn others to hell. She shares education on purity shamming culture, the LGBTQ community, sex before marriage, and many other "controversies" as seen in religious communities. She is pretty fab. So if you are still a god-fearing person reading this- check her out. Maybe she will change you life.

A month or so before this covid bullshit broke out, (I think February) I met up with an old friend from my local Mormon ward* at Sardies for some killer peruvian air charcoaled chicken! YUM! She use to teach weekly dance fitness classes we held in the church gym and she also use to be in the relief society presidency*. She was also the person who introduced me to Young Living oils that I fell in love with years back. Even though we are Facebook friends, she doesn't follow me anymore and had wondered where I had went when she saw my name disappear on the ward* directory. She had thought I was just attending another ward. I told her "No, I actually had my records fully removed." She said "Oh! well okay than." Sitting there with someone from my not-so-distant pass was difficult. I wasn't the person she remembered me being anymore, even though she said "you look the same as always!" when I made a comment about how much weight I had gained. I cried, per usual, and shared my heart how hard it has been and how isolating it had been. How I was grateful she even wanted to meet up with me, an apostate, at all. She said we should do it again soon! I miss her smiling face, cute Chinese accent and dance fitness classes.

For you never mo's (aka never Mormon) people who don't know Mormon terminology.

*Ward- is a church congregation set at specific times with your specific geographic area you live in

*Relief Society Presidency- Relief society is a group of women 18+ that get together, most commonly on Sunday's for church classes, but also have other planned events, on how to be a good homemaker, wife and mother. There are typically the President, a 1st counselor and second counselor for each department "group" in the Mormon church.

Finding a new community to belong to looks a little different now. Stepping away from a cult makes everything look different. Every Saturday I still sing in my head "Sat-er-day is the day to pray, it's the day to get ready for suuuunDAY!" Gah.... lol I may never fully recover from those nursery songs ha!

I'm observing other cultures, life styles, goals in life, career paths,and other OPTIONS. My life seemed so predetermined from birth, when I walked away from all that I knew I had nothing left. A full on identity crisis. I thought was going to be a stay at home mom! Duh! The Nuclear family is the American Dream, right? I'm american, I was taught to want that too. I wasn't raised being taught to dream, and dream big.

During therapy this year, I remember telling my therapist "I don't even know what brings me happiness anymore." So we took two sessions and talked about it and did a "value activity" through which we found out what was most important to me.

1. Stability

2. Exploration

3. Diversity

4. Simplicity

5. Connection

These five things sum up the things that I want from life and what bring me the most joy currently. These things are who I am or want to become. Stable. Explorer. Diverse. Simple. Someone who has connections. These things will likely change over time to meet my needs as I grow, but it was so nice to be able to just focus inwardly on things that could help me move forward.

And that's where I am at right now. Atheist. Proud of it. And working on healing! Where has life taken you?

Porn Shoulders. Blue Hair Don't Care.